thirty eight

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My seventh month of pregnancy -- has started. The third trimester is the dangerous trimester. Everyone has been so careful with me and I am not allowed to climb the stairs so I have been sleeping in Dadi Jaan's room. 

Zaroon has been sleeping on the couch of Dadi Jaan's room, not wanting to be away from me even for a night. I woke up around 3 am, wanting to go on a late-night drive. I stood up and walked to Zaroon, quietly trying to wake him up.

"Zarr!" I harshly whispered and he jumped awake.

"Kya howa?" He asked, panicking and loudly, his hair and clothes disheveled.

"Shh." I shushed, covering his mouth and looking at Dadi.

"Late night drive par jaana hai." I whispered, leaning closer and looking at him with doe eyes as I removed my hand from his mouth.
(I want to go on a late-night drive.)

He checked the time and looked at me, "raat keh teen baje?" he asked and I nodded, pouting.
(at 3 in the morning?)

He sighed and stood up along with me. I smiled, widely as he grabbed his keys. I grabbed my cheddar but before going to the car, I went to the kitchen and walked out with a bowl of strawberries.

"Yeh kis liye?" He asked.
(What's this for?)

"Khane ke liye, duh. Pregnancy craving, dude." I said and walked to the car, him following.
(For eating, duh.)

We drove around the city for hours before returning home at six am after praying in a Masjid. After that, we didn't sleep.

━━━━━━━

"Zarina."

"Kya?" Zaroon asked, looking at me and away from his laptop. The name just came to me. 
(What?)

"Hamari baby ka naam Zarina hoga." I said, he looked away. I noticed his behavior whenever I talked about our daughter. He always avoided me or my conversation about the topic.
(Our baby's name will be Zarina.)

I held his hand and turned his face to make him look at me, a sudden thought came to me and it scared me.

"Meri wajah se hamari beti se nafrat mat karna." I whispered, ashamed of what I was saying but I felt the urge to say it out loud.
(Don't hate our daughter because of me.)

"Apni mohabbat par itna bhi bharosa nahi hai?" He asked, hurt.
(You don't have any trust over your love?)

"Aesi baat nahi hai. M-mai bas dar gai thi." I whispered.
(It's not that. I-I just got scared.)

He stared at me, looking offended and hurt. Tears welled up in my eyes. This pregnancy was making me more sensitive.

"I'm sorry." I sobbed. He sighed and hugged me. I cried in his shoulder, hugging him back, tightly.

"Mujhe apni beti ko bara hote howe dekhna tha, Zarr." I cried.
(I wanted to watch my daughter grow up, Zarr.)

"Tum dekhongi, Meri Jannat. Zaroor dekhogi." He said, quietly.
(You will watch, my Jannat. You for sure will.)

A few moments later, I felt a part of my shirt getting wet from his tears.

━━━━━━━

Sometimes, after midnight. I woke up to noises. Zaroon was crying, silently. I sat up and looked to see him praying Tahajjud.

I waited for him to finish praying. He greeted the angels on his shoulder as I stood up and walked towards him. I slowly sat beside him, facing him.

He looked at me, his eyes red and still filled with tears.

I hugged him and he hugged me back, tightly as he cried on my shoulder. His cries made my heart hurt and bang against my chest.

"I can't lose you, Jannat." He cried, loudly.

I tried to be strong. So he could be strong. I softly gripped his face in my hands and pulled him away.

"I'm here. I will always be with you. You just won't be able to see me." I said.

"You won't. You won't be here. I would not be able to live with you. Please, please, Jannat, mat jao." He cried.
(Don't go.)

"Jab tum Oxford gai thi, tab mujhe lagah tha meri saansien band hogai. Tum hamesha ke liye chali jao gi toh mera Dil band hojai ga, Jannat." He said.
(When you went to Oxford I felt as if I stopped breathing. If you leave forever then my heart will stop, Jannat.)

"Nahi, aesa kuch nahi hoga. Main janti hoon, jab hamari Zarina tumhare pass hogi toh tumhe ik umeed mile gi. Shayad main zinda rahoon, Zaroon, lekin agar mai nahi rahi toh tumne zinda rehna hai. Tumne Zarina ka khayal rakhna hai. Tumne uske liye role model banana hai aur usse dikhana hai Keh uske papa kitne mazboot hain." I said.

(No, this won't happen. I know it, when our Zarina is with you, you will have hope. I may stay alive, Zaroon, but if I don't then you have to live. You have to take care of Zarina. You have to be a role model for her and you have to show her how strong her father is.)

He was trembling. His trembling hands resting on my waist as he looked at me through his bloodshot eyes.

"I love you, Zaroon. I love you so much." I whispered and I kissed him.
















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