Loss Fragment

CHAPTER 30

Ella POV

Why do I feel like this?

Feeling too much and not enough at the same time. Feeling loved but at the same time, worthless. I can see Max was trying hard to help and that's probably why we are here in Santorini. He remembered.

He is a great man.

But, would I be enough for him?

If I was not enough the last time, would I be enough this time?

Aren't all men the same?

And, I'm the same girl. I probably don't remember it all, but I know deep down I'm still the same old Ella. The one with flaws. The not-perfect-Ella. The one that got dumped because she was not enough and was not what he was looking for. And, I don't know how I can be enough for Max. And, for this baby inside of me. What do I have to do or stop doing, to be better at it. To be good enough.

He kept saying I'm more than what he could have ever asked in a woman.

But, how can he be this sure now? When did he know?

I'm falling for him. And, I know he does feel something for me. He even said the "L" word that night. And, he kept saying that he loves me after that.

But, didn't Damon say he loved me before?

Look where we ended up now. He loved me and yet he left me. He left me broken. All I had was him, I gave him everything and he threw me away. And, I don't know if I could ever love again. Like really falling in love.

It wouldn't be fair for Max. He needs a great woman who loves him fully. He doesn't deserve a broken woman whose heart is so broken that she is neither good to herself nor others.

Without love I wouldn't be a good mother. Max and this baby deserve better.

I look down and rub my little baby bump that's starting to show.

No!

I shut my eyes tight.

I love my baby. I can feel it inside me. All this emotion, I know my baby can feel it too. Poor baby. He or she must have felt unwanted right now. Just like how I felt back then and how I am feeling right now.

Rejection.

Unworthy.

Hopeless.

That' a lot. Actually, that's too much. And, it's pretty scary to be honest.

Mommy loves you. She just doesn't know what to do. What's best for us.

It wouldn't be fair to bring you into this world when it is so fucked up. I would like to give you loving parents. Who can and will provide you with everything you need.

Max can provide you and your baby anything you could possibly need.

That's my inner voice talking. And, I know she is right.

All I need is love. Love that last. Undivided love. Someone who wants and needs me just as much. Someone who sees my imperfection and yet chooses to stay and grow together. Someone who makes me feel like I'm enough.

Has Max said anything that makes you feel like you weren't enough for him?

Has he done anything that gives you the idea that he wants someone else?

Hasn't he been making you feel so special, more than anyone else ever had?

No no Max has been great! He was everything that a woman like me could ask for. He had been very protective, very loving and he had been making me feel very special.