𝐃𝐢𝐥-𝐞-𝐙𝐚𝐚𝐫 (revamped) | ✓

thirty five

I rested my head on Dadi Jaan's lap as she caressed my hair. I was staring out the window, zoned out. I felt detached from reality, it was accidental as well.

"Kya soch rahi ho?" Dadi Jaan's voice brought me back.
(what are you thinking?)

I only shook my head and closed my eyes.

"Dar lag raha hai?" She asked.
(Do you feel scared?)

"Thora sa," I answered.
(A little,)

I was silent again, she recited some dua under her breath before softly blowing on me, "aap baby par bhi aese hi dua parh ke pookhti rahiye ga." I said.
(you should also recite prayers and blow on the baby like this as well.) 

"Agar zindagi rahi, warna tum parh dena." She said. Either she was in denial or she was being ignorant.
(If I still live, or you can do it.)

indeed, ignorance is bliss.

After I got up, knowing it was time for her nap and then I went to my room to shower. Zaroon was at work. I took a long shower, mostly because I stood there, unmoving. After the shower, I brushed my hair and went outside to the garden. I sat down on the couch and pulled my knee up, resting my chin on it and my phone dinged.

I grabbed it and checked that it was a message from my doctor.

Doctor Aliza: you can know the gender of the baby next week.

Jannat Nirsa: Okay, thank you.

I turned off my phone and stared at the grass. I understand Zaroon's opinion of aborting the baby, he doesn't want to lose me. But, I can't get an abortion. The mere thought of it angers me. My motherly instincts make me angry at Zaroon for how he wants me to get rid of the baby.

I can't do it.

━━━━━━━

Zaroon drove inside the house, on the driveway as the guard closed the door behind him. He got out of the car and closed it when his eyes went to Jannat who was sitting on the couch, blankly staring at the grass.

She looked so serene and peaceful, the way she was sitting, her dress and the aura around her felt welcoming and serene. Her peaceful expressions, made him wonder how she could be so calm.

The thought of losing her made him feel as if he was shot in the heart. He felt his throat close up as his heartbeat sped up and he quickly walked inside the house, walking up 2 steps at a time and he reached his bedroom. 

His entire body was trembling in anxiety and fear. He sat down on the bed, taking his head in his hands as he rested his elbows on his knees. He controlled his breathing, his leg bouncing, and then he gulped down a glass of water.

━━━━━━━

The next week, I went to the doctor's appointment alone. My mom wanted to go with me but I refused and I didn't tell Zaroon that I was going. After the check-up, I sat down on the chair and Doctor Aliza told me the gender.

Zaroon was right. Our baby is a girl.

"So, you two decided to keep the baby?" She asked.

"I decided, yes." I nodded, looking at the table.

"And Mr. Nirsa?" She asked.

"He doesn't support the decision." She understood what I meant.

"Jannat, there was also something I wanted you to know. If you do agree on getting an abortion.. just know that you might not be able to get pregnant again. This pregnancy is complicated, you're safe neither way. If you do get pregnant it may be more complicated than this one. The pregnancy may cause miscarriage or maternal death." She told me. 

I clenched my fist trying to control my breathing and not to have a panic attack.

"Nonetheless, I will pray that you and the baby girl live a long healthy life." She said. I thanked her with a small smile before getting up and walking out.

I drove to a bakery and bought a pink cake. I drove home and I was welcomed in by my mother. I handed her the box and just then Tayi Ammi came.

"Kya hai?" My mom asked.
(what is it?)

"gender," I answered. Tayi Ammi rushed closer as my mom opened the box and they both gasped.

My mom kept the box on the table and they both hugged me, congratulating me. My father came and when I told him, he had tiny tears in his eyes as I hugged him. When I told Dadi Jaan, she recited a prayer for safety and happiness before blowing over me. 

Everyone was in the dining room when Zaroon came in. I was sitting on the chair and I looked up meeting his eyes.

"Aao, tumhara hi intezaar tha." My father said.
(come, we were waiting for you.)

He walked to the end of the table, where I was sitting, and then tapped the box asking, wordlessly, what was inside.

"tumhara baby gender." Tayi Ammi said, I waited for his reaction but there was none.
(your baby's gender.)

no shock and no excitement.

But when he opened the box, I swear there was a glint in his eyes before it disappeared as quickly as it came and I wondered if I imagined it. He grabbed a spoon, taking a little bit of cake from it and he reached his hand forward to feed me.

I shook my head, feeling nauseous, so he took the first bite of the uneaten cake before feeding our family.

"Tum khush nahi ho," I said to him after he walked inside our room and stood in front of the dressing table.
(you're not happy.)

"Hoon." He only said without turning to look at me.
(I am.)

"Yeh khushi nazar nahi aarahi." I said and he didn't respond.
(This happiness is not being noticeable.)

I sighed and didn't talk further. I laid down and pulled the blanket to my chest.