Grey I - Intentions

Chapter 15 - The Alley

Traded a merciful heart for a murderer's brain
But now I curse what's in my head
Because I can't stop seeing red

Ice Nine Kills - Me, Myself and Hyde

I was worried. Not just worried, I was troubled. Jordan didn't make sense to me, she had obvious natural talent, more than anyone I had ever met, besides maybe Ambriel, but I hated comparing the two. Yet she kept having strange reactions I couldn't figure out. She would stay calm when I expected a fight, she would get angry when I thought I was on safe ground, she was peaceful when she should be violent, and then the mystery of her fainting at the mere sight of my blood. Hemophilia, sure, but a Darkling with hemophobia was borderline a joke.

And then there was the issue of the connection I felt to her. Even though I couldn't understand her, I felt like I knew her in some way. It was worrisome. What made it worse was how much I enjoyed her presence. It was so difficult to hide, sometimes I didn't even try, I just gave in, at least mostly. Sometimes I literally didn't know if I had the strength to ignore her, to treat her like she was just a member of the Clan, just a Darkling. It was exhausting and I was already spread so thin lately.

As soon as she left my room, I began trying to figure out what could possibly be at play here. Was she sent from an enemy? Did she have some kind of charm on her to try and destroy me, lure me in and then pull apart my Clan from the inside? I hadn't felt any marks or stains on her from a Demon or mage, but maybe I had missed something.

She just didn't make sense. And then there was the problem of her bloodline, what percentage was she if she was so strong at such an untrained state, unless she had been trained, unless she was from a previous Clan. But if that was true, she was certainly a good actress, a good liar. I hadn't seen anything of her past or present or even her future in any visions. It was like she wasn't even real, or maybe they just hadn't started yet, maybe I would see something later, once I was closer to her. But would that be too late? I felt like I was already beginning to trust her. It was ridiculous, like she had said, I didn't even know her. She could be a danger to the Clan and my own feelings and confusion were interfering with our security, with what decision should actually be made.

The heart and the mind rarely agree, but I never thought I would have to worry about that conflict. I thought I didn't have a heart to war with. I felt like something was just at the edge of my mind, like I was only missing a couple of pieces. And then I remembered something I had read in the Book of Dust, ages ago in my old life, before my Clan, before everything, when I had studied it as a child.

I grabbed the copy from my drawer, the one from before their time, and thumbed through its worn pages. I found the passage I was looking for and read it over.

It all made sense, but was it even possible? It was so rare, so strange an event. I had never heard of someone like her, it was almost like a myth, a Fallen wives-tale. Was it true? Could it be?

I slammed the book down onto the table and ran my fingers back through my hair, catching the tangles.

That's all there really was to life. Pain and death and horrid decisions, stained by blood. But it wasn't really a decision at all, there was no choice, not really, I knew what I had to do. Jordan had to die.

The only bright light in my existence, the only one I felt connected to, the only one I had ever felt connected to. The one I thought of constantly, the one I most wanted to protect, not because she was part of the Clan I served, but because she was something more, because she was something more to me, and only me. Because she was mine...and yet she was a monster, she was something that had to be destroyed. And I had to be the one to do it, because only I could ever know.