𝐃𝐢𝐥-𝐞-𝐙𝐚𝐚𝐫 (revamped) | ✓

thirty seven

I made a list -- of what Zaroon needs to do after I'm gone. I don't know if I will live or not, but I don't, I want Zaroon to fulfill my wishes for our daughter.

"Okay, so, first you need to always take care of her, of course. Second, enroll her in ballet classes when she's 4 years old but make sure her teacher isn't strict on her and if she doesn't want to go then don't force her. third, always tell her that her mom loves her, and never let her feel from anyone that she doesn't have her mother's love. fourth, give and buy her whatever she wants. spoil her, endlessly." I listed off, glancing at him, occasionally while he stared at me.

"Bake with her. Read her stories. Never get angry at her." I said and then removed the necklace I was wearing. It was a real gold necklace with a rose pendant. "Give her this," I said, dropping the necklace in his lap.

I wasn't emotional. I hid it very well. I talked to him about it as if I was telling him what to buy from the grocery store. Maybe it was a coping mechanism.

"And-" I was about to speak when he cut me off.

"How are you so calm about this?" He asked, I looked at his cold dark eyes. I could feel the hurt and anger in his voice.

"I have accepted it," I said, trying to keep my voice steady. "You should too."

He scoffed and stood up, the necklace falling to the ground and he walked away. I stood up and followed after.

"Zaroon, you have to accept it," I said.

"I won't have to if you would get an abortion and live." He said continuing to walk away. I grabbed his arm and turned him around to face me. Our faces were inches apart as I looked up at him. 

"If I get an abortion, I may not ever get pregnant," I told him, my voice low.

He stood, quiet, taking in my words.

"We'll adopt then. Please understand, Jannat I can't lose you." He said, his hand pulling me close by my neck.

"Tum meri zindagi ho. Meri jaan tum main basti hai. Tumhare bagair nahi reh sakta mai, Jannat, tumhe baat kyun nahi samajh aarahi?" He said, his voice low and full of hurt. 
(You are my life. My life dwells in you. I can't live without you, Jannat, why can't you understand?)

Tears are forming up in my eyes at his words as I look deep into his eyes.

"Mai yeh bachi nahi gira sakti, Zaroon." I whispered.
(I can't abort this baby, Zaroon.)

"Is-is me ik jaan hai, ik rooh hai. Ma-mai aesa nahi kar sakti." I said, shaking my head and I walked away.
(She-she has a life in her, a soul. I-I can't do this.)

I was sitting in the kitchen, eating strawberries. They had been my pregnancy craving since the beginning of it. Our fridge was stocked with them. My mom entered and sat on the chair while looking at me as she drank water.

"Kesi tabiyat hai?" She asked, something was off in her tone.
(How is your health?)

I only nodded, my mouth stuffed with strawberries. She nodded back and stood up, keeping the glass on the table, and sat on the chair beside me, pushing my hair back, gently. I let her but didn't look at her because I knew if I did, I would start crying.

"Mai kya karon, ammi?" I asked, shakily as I gave in and looked at her.
(What should I do, mom?)

"Yeh tum dono miya biwi ka mamla. Is me mera ya kisi ka bhi haq nahi hai keh ham apne aarain dein." She said, still playing with my hair and tears gathered in her eyes. "Mai bas apni ikloti beti ko khone ke liye abhi tayyar nahi."
(This is your and your husband's situation. Nor me or others have a right to give their opinions on it. I just am not ready to lose my only daughter yet.)

Tears ran down my face and I hugged her, tightly. Daniyal walked into the kitchen and we quickly wiped our tears.

"Ufff, ammi bohut bhook lag rahi hai." He said, opening the fridge.
(Mom I'm so hungry.)

My mom left, needing to excuse herself.

"Inhe kya howa?" He asked and I shook my head. He sat down on the chair in front of me, dragging the strawberry bowl away from me and closer to him.
(What happened to her?)

"Dani, tumne parhna nahi chorna. Ammi abbu ka naam roshan karna hai, unhe fakhar hona chahiye." I said.
(Dani, don't stop studying. Enlighten the name of mom and dad, and make them proud.)

"Uff, appi, kitna dafa mana kara hai Dani na bola karein? Aur jab mai college khatam karlon tab mujhe yeh boliye ga. Abhi toh apka bhai school life enjoy karega." He said, pinching his collar to make himself look cool.
(Sis, how many times have I told you not to call me Dani? And when my college finishes then tell me this. Right now your bro will enjoy school life.)

I smiled only a little. He doesn't know it yet.

"Aaj kal notice kar raha hoon. Apke shohar mujhe bully nahi kar rahe." he said.
(I am noticing these days. Your husband hasn't been bullying me.)

"Mere shohar tumhara cousin bhi hai." I said, smiling.
(My husband is your cousin as well.)

"Kash unhe bhi yaad aajata keh mai unka saala hoon jab woh mujhe chunti kaat te the." He said, fake sadly, and I laughed.
(I wish he remembered that I was his brother-in-law when he would pinch me.)

"Acha, yeh baatain. Ghar mai kya howa hai? Itna depress mohal hai. Aesa mohal toh Taya abbu keh death ke time tha." He asked, quietly.
(Okay, tell me. What has happened at home? It's such a depressing environment. This environment was during Taya abbu's death.)

My smile faltered, "kuch nahi howa." I said and leaned closer.

"Tum yeh batao. School mai koi larki pata li hai kya? Phone par bohut hasa ja raha hai aaj kal." I said.
(You tell me. Have you found a girlfriend in school? You're smiling a lot because of your phone.)

His cheeks turned red and my eyes widened and I smiled, "Dani?!" I exclaimed, shocked.

"Aesa kuch nahi hai!" He said and got up, walking away.
(It's nothing like that.)