✓ fatal || yang jungwon

046

To Jungwon, my saviour and lover,

This is a cheesy and very, very awkward letter written by no one other than the love of your life (It's me, Ji).
I'm not sure if they were delivered, but the last messages I sent to you were probably nonsense. My mind tends to stop working right before dying, sorry, it's a bad habit.

So I decided to write you a letter beforehand.
How thoughtful of me, I know. It's kind of romantic though, don't you think? When I first was about to die, you were the one I texted.
I thought you were from the suicide hotline and you didn't even correct me, you asshole. I vented like a total freak. I miss the old times. When we used to text all the time instead of dealing with my stupid problems.

All the late night texts...I feel like crying from laughing and from sadness just by thinking of them.
It's how we found each other. And now it's how we will leave each other. Kind of tragic.

Jungwon,
The one I dedicate my short life to
My darling, my love

We still had three days left before our relationship would have officially ended, did you know Jungwon? The two week deadline? I think I've never been this happy, being together with you.

What a shame.
I wish I could have held myself together at least for the last remaining three days, but things were really hard.
I don't think I would have been able to hide my despair from you, you know me too well. And that scares me.

I still owe you those three days now. I'm sorry that I won't be able to pay off my debt in this lifetime.
In my next life, I will make it my mission to find you again and make up for breaking my promise.

I will pay you those remaining three days back.

I know, I should be grateful for having such an amazing person like you by my side instead of leaving so selfishly. But maybe that's what made this easier for me.

Let me be the asshole for the last time,
let me hurt you one last time and after that I will never hurt you again. The only thing that could ever be a flaw of yours was me being by your side. I can't live knowing that.

I know, I told you I would get better.
I wanted to, I really wanted to. I tried and tried and tried, please, I beg you, please don't, not you,
you can't hate me.
I relapsed. You know that I am too weak. Out of all the people in the world you know me best.
All of a sudden everything became too heavy again. I bled everywhere, Jungwon. I slipped on my blood and I fell into a dark hole again.
I couldn't get out.

I couldn't breathe. It was so hard, Jungwon. Please don't hate me.
If you hate me, I don't think I could ever find peace.

And before I forget, Jungwon, it's not your fault. It never was. It will never be.
You did so much.
It's just that I had no choice. This is my chance to finally free myself from the guilt. To finally reconcile with my sister.
I was meant to die from the beginning. You helped me make my last days bearable. You saved me from dying a painful death and I can't thank you enough for that.

Here's an instruction on all the things you need to do even when I'm gone (make sure to do all of them or else I will need to haunt you in my afterlife):

- Don't blame yourself.
- Don't hate me.
- Eat well, live well, love well.
- Miss me from time to time, but don't let sorrow consume you. Think of me sometimes, so I can find my way back to you.
- But don't think of me too much. If you do, only think of the happy moments we had (if you can remember any).
- Don't forget me.
- Don't fall into the same hole I fell into. It's too dark and cold, I don't want you to suffer.
- Be happy.
- Learn to love again...And when you do, take that person, whoever they may be, to see the auroras for me.

And lastly, always remember:

I love you. Soul-stirringly. And truly. From the bottom of my shallow heart.

Yours, and Nobody Else's

Ji <3

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