SEEKING ME

BANGOR, WALES 1992

"Mi lady, the material you asked for is ready."
Meredith who was watching the sunset through the small window in her room turned to face her old nanny. "Thank you Portia, you may go now." The old lady handed the material to her and scurried from the room in her usual fashion. Meredith fingered the silky material and let her fingers luxuriate in the majestic feel of it. Her one weakness was rich materials and being the daughter of an almost wealthy Baron, her father could afford the materials for his only daughter. Meredith lost her mother at infancy to the deadly influenza that swept the country side that year, left with an infant and with no clue on how to raise her himself her father remarried, this time a young widow. As the years went by Meredith grew in great beauty and grace and at sixteen, she was ready for her first introduction to the society, Her stepmother Mary taught her all she needed to know on how a debutante should carry herself in poise and grace. Meredith had a sneaking suspicion that her step mother was relieving her own season from the animated way she spoke about the ballroom and the light that shone in her large hazel eyes.
Meredith gently laid the silky material on her lap and thought about her future, she knew her father expected her to marry someone wealthy and noble so that she could live better than she was used to, she had heard him talk with some gentlemen that came calling some nights before, and although she didn't hear the full conversation, she managed to hear the word "dowry".  She knew that her father hoped she could make a very well titled gentleman seek her hand, in fact he depended on her marriage to rid himself of a lot of debts accumulated from so much indulgence. As Meredith walked downstairs she pushed away all thoughts of marriage from her mind and went to the stables, when she was six she had gotten her first pony from her father as a birthday gift. Now her pony was a mature horse and Meredith rode her when she wanted. As she lovingly touched her horse's beautiful mane she remembered when she had first set eyes on her and how enchanted she had been by her golden beauty. She had called her the first thing that came to mind "sun", for she was beautiful, gold and warm as the sun. As she swung the saddle,  slowly and gently she steered her horse out of the stables and into the field. Meredith loved riding and capturing the very essence of nature, Once when she was eight, Meredith had fallen off her horse and sustained bodily injuries, this made her father very angry and he decided to hire a horse trainer to train both daughter and her horse. This worked because Meredith never fell off her horse again, however she was still as wild which worried her father to no end. As girl and horse trotted along the field, Meredith took in the smell of fresh pines, and day dreamed. left to her, she was very content to live in her home forever.  Her day dream was cut short at a shrill sound which happened to be her name being called by her old nanny, in resignation she turned her horse towards the house. After she had cleaned and settled her horse back into the stables, she matched into the house where she was met by her angry stepmother "What do you think you're doing, taking the horse out of the stables when you've been warned not to, at least for now. We'll leave for London in a fortnight your poor father would have a fit if the heavens forbid, you had another riding accident." She put her hands on her ample hip and glared at Meredith. "Mary I've been riding that horse for years besides I've not had any riding accident since I was eight."  Mary bristled in anger at this show of defiance from Meredith.
"Young lady, it is highly unwise to exchange words with me, as a debutante you must not respond rudely to anybody, you must be very quick to apologise and must be graceful at all times, you must do well to remember the do's and don'ts of being in society for the first time, lest you drag the family name in the mud." 
"I'm sorry mother"
Mary watched as a subdued Meredith walked back to her room. She felt love for the child but also cautioned her when she needed to. She had a lot of concerns about Meredith but she knew her husband was totally useless when it came to finding solutions, she decided there was no need to involve him at all.

That evening as Irwen sat at his usual place at the table, Meredith couldn't help asking him a few things. "Father is it true we'll journey to London in a fortnight"
"Aye my daughter, that's right it's about time you were introduced to the society."
"But why father? I'm happy here, we do not need to go to London or any fancy parties." Her father laughed a throaty laugh which made the others at the table laugh too, except Meredith for she wondered what the joke was.
"Your mother was only one and four when she was introduced to the society my dear, you're getting a little long in the tooth and it's time to find you a husband while you can still produce heirs."  Not one to be accused of subtlety, Irwen deliberately ignored the ashen shade his daughter had turned despite all the signs from Mary. He looked around the room, "where's the serving wench?" A girl appeared beside him in an instant with a fresh hot refill of broth and pork. "You are my daughter but you must also earn your place in the society, or would you rather die an old spinster with no one to care for you in your old age?" Meredith shuddered at the thought for it sounded a lot more awful than going to London. At her silence her father went on, "It is in-fact your duty to make sure your dance card is signed at all times, we do not have the luxury of funds and this will likely be your only ball, you must use it well." He cleaned his mouth and rubbed his belly. Meredith remembered what her used to look like before he became bald, drank too much and over indulged in pork. The Irwen's were not wealthy by a long shot, but they could be comfortable if the family funds were managed well. Meredith had a sizeable dowry, thanks to her late mom who was the daughter of a nobleman, but that was all she had, for apart from the materials her father gave her, he found it difficult to provide other necessary things a young girl might need. However, he made sure her tutelage was well taken care of for he needed her to attract the richest gentleman she could find.
"Come Meredith, your father does not mean it the way it sounds, marriage to a gentleman will make you very happy."
"But will he love me?"
"Hmphhhh love" her father laughed loudly "My dear girl you do not need love, all you need is a handful of servants to do your bidding, someone virile enough to plow your belly and put sons in them" he looked a Mary before continuing "Your dear mother, God bless her soul, did not love me but she was able to give me a very precious gift—you."
"Mother did not love you?" Meredith was shocked for she thought every mother and father loved themselves.
"There is nary a love match in all of London my daughter, you must stop dreaming and reading about damsels and knights for such do not exist." Mary glared at her husband and held Meredith's hand gently  "My dear, such love as the ones you read in your books may not exist but there is love in marriage." Her father ate the last pork on his plate and pushed his chair back "I'll leave you two women to your devices, tell the butler to bring the mails to my office." He said to Mary. After he left there was silence and Mary could hear the little girl's brain whirring in her head, damn Irwen for his thoughtlessness she cursed under her breath. "Is it true?" came a little uncertain voice "what did father mean by my husband plowing my belly will he use a knife and will it be painful?" If the situation wasn't so pathetic Mary would've laughed aloud but she had to console the distraught girl. "Never you mind your father's words, now my dear brighten your face for it won't do to have your fair face lined with worry." At that Meredith brightened up.
"Thank you Mary" she said and got up from her chair. Mary saw her lips tremble and knew the poor girl was very close to tears, "Come here little one," she said as she held out her arms. Holding back a sob Meredith ran into her arms and held tight. "Everything will turn out well dear one, you'll see."

Later that night when Irwen came to bed, he observed an annoyed Mary. "Woman, why is your face like that? do you want something from me, I must tell you now our finances are tight and we cannot afford anything not terribly necessary." Mary looked at him in disgust "You greedy miser, you can well afford to eat pork everyday and wear the finest silk but you do not know how to afford that which money can't buy."
Irwen rubbed his bald head nonchalantly  "And what is this thing you speak of that money cannot buy, don't speak in riddles I do not have all night to listen to your woman talk." She looked at him sadly "Do you not know how much you hurt your daughter at dinner? Do you not know how young and delicate she is? Why then do you hurt her so or have you no kindness for your only daughter?"  Irwen's laughter filled the room as he regarded his wife and wagged his finger at her  "You old crone refuse me my sleep, you also refuse me my husband duties, now you want to tell me how to raise my daughter and what to say to her?"
"I may not be her birth mother but I love her as my own child. You have no right to make her cry when she has been nothing but a sweet child, now you say I deny you your nightly duties, that is so because I do not want to die of the pox. I have heard about your sexual prowess among the village women and the servants in this household so I must protect myself from you."
"Is that so, well I don't need your nagging body when I can have the young sweet things in the village, and since you are now the girl's champion. teach her the ways of the ton, I heard you are quite familiar with them having failed three times yourself, I don't have money for another season in the event that she fails this time, so you must tell her that as a woman her power lies in her youth and since she is not the son I really wanted and an old crone like you can't give me a son either, pray that all goes well when we get to London, now let me have my sleep woman."  With that he turned his back on Mary who was very close to tears.
At the other side of the door, an eavesdropping Meredith heard everything her father said, anguished and broken she raced to her room, her dreams of a perfect world finally shattering.

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