Grey II - Ghosts

Chapter 5 - The Ties That Bind

**Trigger warning for non-con, not explicit**

I'm your servant, my immortal,
pale and perfect, such unholy heaving.
The statues close their eyes, the room is changing.
Break my skin and drain me.

Ludo – The Horror of Our Love

Jevin was a horrible master, not that I cared, not that it mattered. I couldn't leave even if I tried. I hated him though, for his tricks, his smooth words, for his control. He loved it, pulling my strings, making me his pet. The Clan had never been an ownership, but there was no doubt that this was, he made that explicitly clear. I didn't care though, not really. I didn't care about anything.

That was the good that came from feeding from Jevin, nothing mattered, nothing hurt, nothing even seemed real. I was in a dream, one that was all gray, empty, free, from my emotions at least. I was his, but that seemed a small price to pay for the void I felt, the numbness. I couldn't call it peace, not really, it was merely nothing.

I could think of the Clan, my time with them, my training, my old life, all of it and I didn't feel a thing. I still couldn't think of him but that wasn't because it hurt or brought back some kind of feeling. I just didn't want to. I didn't want him to exist, and though I had been too weak to stop his existence in the world, I could at least stop him from existing in my mind. If I ignored him, it was almost like he wasn't out there somewhere, living on with his lies.

It had been almost a month since I gave myself to Jevin and he had kept me busy. His blood gave me refuge from my emotions, but it also gave me a need to serve him, a hunger to do what he asked of me, to please him. It was like I was a puppet and the moment his blood touched my tongue I handed him the threads. The worst of it was that I had come back, every week, sometimes more frequently. I had to come back to him to get more. It was the strongest drug, the most potent addiction I could imagine.

But even if I hadn't been hooked, I would have gone back, I had to, the crushing pain, the anger, the self-loathing and betrayal began to leak back from the corners of my mind if I didn't. I would feel my emotions marching toward me, filling me, and I would panic and be back at his door the same hour.

If I had to choose between being owned by a creature I hated but feeling numb, feeling nothing, or being free but tormented by my past, my memories and demons, I would choose slavery every time, it was the only way I could survive. Not that I could leave even if I tried, the pull of his blood, my addiction, was too strong. I always came back. It was the perfect trap, Jevin knew I couldn't, and wouldn't, leave.

Mostly I was Jevin's hit man. I suppose I was James' long-awaited successor in some capacity, because every few nights he would send me to take out an enemy or threat as he called them. He knew how his blood bond worked and always made the target sound like an urgent attack on his safety, stoking the fire in me to protect my master at any cost.

My errands were my favorite part of my debt to him, since it mirrored my own desires as well. I continued my tally with each target I killed, with each Human or Darkling or Vampire. I wished they were all worthy hits, with darkness in their hearts, but I was sure that wasn't true. Sometimes I could tell, sometimes I just knew they weren't guilty, that they shouldn't be killed, sometimes I wasn't sure, but I didn't have a choice, I had to do as Jevin ordered.

Not all of my tallies were targets from Jevin. I often found my own street thugs and muggers, abusers and murderers. It eased my mind to know that when it counted, when it was my decision, I only killed monsters, people and things that deserved death, just like I had said I would. I could see the guilt in their eyes, in their souls, just by letting wisps of my Gift into their minds, their pasts. It was sickening what my city sheltered.