Grey II - Ghosts

Chapter 24 - Zodiac & Air

And all that I was, I've left behind me.
Eyes in the dead still water tried, but it pushed back harder.
Cauterized and atrophied. This is my unbecoming.

Starset - Unbecoming

I hadn't slept since my visit with Chi. I was too afraid of what I would see, what dreams or visions would find me in the dark. I was sure Jordan had had a prophecy of Syn's death and I was worried I would see something too, something just as wrong, just as damning as she had.

In my short conversation with Chi's Clan, after the brothers - twins, no less - vainly attempted to attack me, I learned that Jordan had been close with Syn and only Syn. She had arrived back at the warehouse just in time for the demons to disappear. Only Syn had been attacked. Only he had been targeted. The demons, Shafes, were just distractions to the others. And the body was taken. Chimarah said that Jordan left after that, with nothing but a broken apology.

I didn't want to think of her feelings, think of the terrible catastrophes that seemed to constantly follow her; me, Jevin, and now Syn. In a small way, I was glad she was with Abraham, at least there she would be safe from my father, from all the terrible things he surely had planned for her. My headache was almost unbearable just thinking of what could have happened, of how many times since our Clan's dismemberment she could have shared in its fate.

Each night wore me down more, each day without a lead on my father beat my will down more. It was easy to see what was happening to me, to see how I deteriorated further with each sunrise after another sleepless night. I could feel my mind abandoning me, feel my body rotting away like a sickness was growing under my skin. I couldn't eat anymore, couldn't sleep for more than an hour or two. I couldn't even be alone, ever. Ambriel was always there, never leaving me, never letting me be.

I didn't feel Human anymore, not even the partial I was. I couldn't go an hour without my Shift, in my own skin, and I hated that even more than whatever was happening to my mind. My life was hell, nothing close to worth living. But I couldn't die, not yet. It was a consuming obsession searching for my father, like a slow leak of all the things I used to be, of everything inside me disappearing, draining, turning me into nothing, stealing the life from me even as I kept on walking, kept on breathing.

The worst of it was the realization that this was what I was supposed to be, a machine. I had actually convinced myself that I was meant for good things, capable of good things, deserving of good things. I had been so blind, I could see that now. How I had fed myself lies for so long, made myself believe I could overcome my nature, my very being, my blood, simply because I wanted to. Juda had been right, it was pathetic, a lie. If no one in millennia could overcome the vileness sliding through their veins, why had I possibly thought I could? It was arrogance, arrogance and stupidity and pathetic, foolish hope.

Blood defines us all, and it defined me in too many ways. Tainted by my lineage, damned from birth, and then so stained by my actions, my past and my choices, it was madness for me to even consider that I could have ever truly been good, to even dream of being something worth its time on Earth. Pathetic. As much as I hated what I was, it was the new me - empty, inhuman, but I hoped strong enough to destroy its creator. I couldn't suppress my emotions, not anymore, but I hid them, behind a mask, behind a wall. I kept everything inside as I showed an empty exterior, smooth and strong and unyielding. It was all I could do.

I couldn't show weakness around Ambriel, and she was always there now, so it became a habit, hiding everything, hiding even the smallest of thoughts, of desires or memories from my face. After a while she could say anything and it didn't matter at all. Soon I didn't even have to try. Soon my mask was perfect. Regardless of my expressions, Ambriel reminded me daily of how pointless my fight was, how useless any attempt I made against my father would be. How I couldn't even survive, let alone win without my Clan. How I was falling apart all on my own, weakening each day, losing my mind, wasting away my body, losing everything I used to think defined me. I had nothing now, not only in my life, but within myself. Some days I couldn't even convince myself that I would get the chance to face my father again. Sometimes it seemed inevitable that my own demons would conquer me long before I found him. But I never showed it.