Grey II - Ghosts

Chapter 30 - Shifts & Sleep

My girl, my girl, don't lie to me.
Tell me, where did you sleep last night?

Nirvana - In The Pine

Despite my exhaustion from the wearing day, both emotionally and physically, I still couldn't sleep. I wrote out my schedule instead, trying to decide which days would be the worst. I couldn't make an accurate guess yet since I still hadn't met Danny or Katz, but I was sure Tuesdays and Thursdays would be the worst. Grayson in the mornings, Levi at noon, then Cordelia before ending the day with Parish and Prey as usual. Hating two out of the four lessons didn't sound like great odds to me.

Saturday through Monday looked to have the most potential. Sundays I had completely off, so I would be able to train on my own, something I was greatly looking forward to. Mondays I only had Zodiac in the morning, and Parish and Prey in the evening, neither of which I dreaded, and Saturdays had Grayson in the morning, which I figured I could survive if Abby joined, Levi at noon and then a break until combat with the brothers in the evening.

I felt like a student again, pouring over my classes, deciding what days I would wake up with a feeling of anxiety already wrapped around me and which I would possibly enjoy. It all came down to Danny and Katz now. 'Visions' and my Gift. I hoped they wouldn't be like Grayson, I hoped I wouldn't want to separate their heads from their shoulders. Though I also hoped they wouldn't be like Levi, so likeable it was insufferable. I hadn't even talked to Abby about him, but I figured there was no use. Abby had his own plans for me, and if they involved me making friends he would be sorely disappointed. I would be kind to the kid. I probably couldn't be cruel to him even if I tried, but I wouldn't be his friend or sister or anything close. It was a bad idea and I knew it. Bad things happened to the people around me, maybe not always death, but always misfortune.

I sunk into my bed, exhausted, but my eyes still wouldn't close, maybe I didn't want them to, laying awake was often more calming, more tranquil than having to battle my demons in sleep. I called on an endurance name and an energy one, not because I wanted to do anything, but simply because I didn't want to fall asleep. I stared at my ceiling until late in the night, or early in the morning, depending on perspective. I got up around four and grabbed a small crossbow I had been working with lately, and headed for one of the secluded rooms in the Vault, hoping to still my mind with some solo training.

I pulled my Shift around me as I entered the dark room, loving the feeling of it, the strength it gave me. My Shift wasn't like Jevin's blood had been, but it made it easier to think, easier to not feel the constant onslaught of emotions and pain and self-loathing. My Shift was like armor in a way, armor against myself, my biggest enemy. Sometimes I wished I could keep it around me constantly, feel the added strength, the stability, the added cover against myself all the time, but that was impossible at the Vault. Ailech hadn't even seen me Shift since my first day, when I had come out of his heal. He had asked me several times, even tried to goad me into breaking Abby's one rule, but I never rose to his bait. I didn't need my Shift to hurt him anyway, he was only Human.

Even though I was already there, with my bow and my Shift, I couldn't make myself train. I just wanted to be still, to feel nothing, to relish my Shift as I sat in the dark, watching the shadows run from my eyes wherever I looked. I sat by the door, playing with my knife instead of my bow, spinning it in my hand, letting it flip over my knuckles, between my fingers, letting it fall before I'd twist my hand under it and catch it. I tried to let my mind wander, though my thoughts in my Shift were different than without it, darker, bloodier, more violent. All my thoughts revolved around killing, around hurting people, even people I didn't know, imaginary people my mind created just so I could kill them.