Grey II - Ghosts

Chapter 32 - No, Yes, Maybe

For you I rise. For you I fall.
I am fairly agile. I can bend and not break.
Or I can break and take it with a smile.
I am so resilient. I recover quickly.
I'll convince you soon that I am fine.

Dashboard Confessional - Bend And Not Break

Wondering about my vision, at what the point had been, at where Jordan had been, or why I had felt her there if she clearly hadn't been, it all only served to frustrate me more. I wanted to be able to block it out, but seeing my Clan again, really seeing them in the flesh, my true family, not just a nightmare sent from my father, was turning out to be difficult to shake. Like having an old wound reopened and learning the scar wasn't near as strong as you thought it was.

Ambriel tried guessing, taunting me about what she assumed my vision had been of, but I ignored her as usual, not wanting her to know my thoughts, any of them. She knew what my visions used to consist of, deeds I convinced myself I had to stop, lives I thought I had to save, but all her jeers only made me worry more about the seemingly purposelessness of my latest. I had never had one like that before, never had the course of the vision seem so broken, so disjointed. It was just another thing in me that seemed to be wearing away, another part of myself I was losing.

Despite my best efforts, soon the vision was all I could think of, soon every spare thought, every daydream, every time my mind wandered, it was back in the club. It wasn't natural and I knew it. It was an obsession. It was just another corner unraveling, another crack further splitting, another breaking. I was supposed to have seen something, noticed something, learned something, but now it was gone, forever lost to me. The vision had a point. I was sure there was a point, there always was, something big that I had missed, and now my mind, maybe my Gift, was trying to make me see it, circling around it, making me obsess over it. I hated feeling unprepared, lost, especially when it had to do with my Clan, with Jordan.

I tried to find out where they were but no one knew, not a single one of my contacts. No matter the favors I called in, no matter how numerous, how dubious, I couldn't find a single clue to what city they were in, what state, what country. I had never had trouble locating someone before, if I wanted them, if I was hunting them, then they were a good as mine, already dead at my feet. But it seemed my luck had turned in the past months, and I was running out of options along with time.

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Abby nodded a lot during my explanation of the vision of my old Clan, his hands steepled in front of him seriously. He only asked once about Gabriel, if I had seen him in any visions, any prophecies. I got the feeling he had expected to hear from my Pair by now, though I was glad he hadn't. I didn't want him here. I didn't want him anywhere near me ever again.

I left Abby's office with the same calm feeling in me I always had, despite the topic of our meeting, despite my fear for my Clan. I wondered if Ailech knew why, if it was some Gift of Abby's or if it was just a way with experienced wizards. Or if it was my 'Gift' of soul searching touching his calm, kind soul.

"Does Abby make you feel better when you talk to him about things? Peaceful or anything?"

Ailech looked over at me like I had spoken an alien language.

"Oh, are you going to talk to me now? Is that what you meant by 'friends'? Because females talk way too much. I hope you aren't like that, all yippy and chatty. I swear if you knock on my door in the middle of the night to 'just talk' I will revoke my friendship."

I didn't reply, just looked at him flatly.

"Okay good. And no, or yes, maybe kind of, sometimes. I don't know."