Grey II - Ghosts

Chapter 33 - Interpretations

Lift up your eyes, child. Lift up your arms. You are home. I know you're hurt, child, but you can't do this on your own.
And I can see your blood flow, and I can feel your hurt now.
Did you think I'd let you be alone?

Crywolf - Rising, Rising

The next weeks at the Vault began to run together. I had my lessons, trained on my own, and tried to avoid sleep as much as possible. I ignored my headaches as often as I could, and called on Angel names when I couldn't, which soon became daily. Before long I couldn't even remember what it felt like to not have at least a bit of Heaven's power coursing through me, dampening the pounding in my head.

I asked Abby if there was anything he could do to help my dreams, my mind, but he had looked genuinely sorry as he shook his head. He said he couldn't take away Angel Gifts any more than he could give them. Part of me knew that would be the answer, but I still had to ask. I was desperate to be able to rest, be able to sleep without waking in terror, in a panic until I realized it wasn't real. Each morning I woke wondering if I had just had a vision or a prophecy, if the atrocity I had just witnessed would actually come to pass.

Danny said I would know when it was more than a dream, but I doubted everything he said. I didn't trust him and found any excuse I could to avoid my sessions with him as often as I could. I even admitted to Ailech how bad my headache was once just to get out of his tutoring. Ailech made a fuss over me for the next three days though, making me never pull a stunt like that again. I downplayed my headaches from then on.

Abby asked about them on occasion, but the last thing I wanted was to be given a sick day and have to stay in bed desperately trying to not fall asleep or let my mind wander instead of training. When I was alone was when my mind underwent the worst attacks, when my past flared up in me, making every breath hurt, every thought burn. I'd rather deal with my headache and be able to train than have to deal with my memories and emotions alone in my room.

Abby always joined in my meetings with Grayson, and my Sight got stronger each time I sent it out, something I was proud of even if Grayson refused to admit I was learning as quickly as his star student had. I was getting slightly better at being silent too, at planning each step before I made it, each movement, at running through my options faster.

My shields got better, and I found myself liking Zodi more and more, her compliments bolstered my mood every time she gave one. Her lessons were always interesting, and though I still hated when we worked with guns, I was getting better at controlling my anxiety around them.

Parish and Prey still always tired me out, which was a blessing and a curse. I usually had to call on at least two Angel names after our sessions just so I could have the chance of being able to fight sleep until morning. I could tell I was getting faster, calculating their moves sooner, deciding with better accuracy what hits I should take, what ones I should avoid, how to block more efficiently, using less energy while taking the least injuries. Sometimes my body moved without my mind even telling it to, sometimes I reminded myself of how graceful James looked when he would spar with Kael and Nevaeh, like he was using each movement to the fullest advantage, refusing to be overpowered even when outnumbered.

Cordelia's lesson's never seemed to get better, or at least I never saw improvement, though she promised me I was doing well, that I was able to undergo more with each meeting, it all seemed the same to me, it all seemed like torture. Every thirty minutes felt just as terrible as the one before, each lesson just as hopeless. Her notes showed that I was able to stay silent longer, stay still, and she assured me she was able to add levels without adverse effects, but I didn't feel any satisfaction at her words.