Grey II - Ghosts

Chapter 36 - Dance with Death

For the body is but a piece of art, for you to tear to pieces.
This is history to thievery.
These are only games we play.

La Dispute - A Word of Welcome and of Warning

I made it to the closest gym five minutes after leaving James, but my heartbeat was still hammering in my chest. I hated that he made my body react in such a way, that I couldn't catch my breath when he was near me. That I couldn't focus on anything but his smell, his heat, how close he was to me and how my skin burned where we touched. I hated not feeling in control of myself.

One moment I could feel a pull on my heart, sadness for whatever demons he was facing, and then the next want to hit him, but not know why. I felt nervous around him and that only frustrated me more, like he wasn't just a man, but someone I had to be ultra-aware of, some kind of damned celebrity. Just speaking to him was enough to make me feel like a panic attack was closing in. It was pathetic and I knew it, which only frustrated me more. I hated that I worried for him, felt protective of him, even after all he had done. He had changed so much, changed for the worse, and even if I refused to admit it, it hurt seeing him how he was; a Half, no longer a man. I had fought the title, fought the expectations of what being a Half meant, while he seemed to have resigned himself to it.

I meant what I had said when I told him I didn't want to see him like he was, but I meant it in more ways than the context told. I didn't want to see him wasting away physically like he was, but I also didn't want to see how empty he was, how devoid of life, of fire and emotion, of anything. It hurt to look at him and know what he had become, how far he had fallen. I had never considered how he was surviving without his Clan, without his family, the family he had had for much longer than me, how he was handling everything, and I didn't want to think of it now. In my mind I suppose I had pictured him being fine, not caring that his family was gone, that he was abandoned, a monster, but that had been beyond foolish. Seeing him proved it had torn him apart far worse than it had me.

I didn't want to pity him, but every spare moment my mind had circled back to him, to his thin frame and the empty look in his eyes. To the flash of torment I had seen when I ran into him outside my door. To his skin that used to glow but now looked gray, the shadows under his lashes that told me his nightmares weren't rarities. I could still hear his voice, that hoarse yell when he woke. I didn't want to think about what he dreamt of to make him call out like that, but I couldn't help but wonder.

His actions in the city only deepened my indescribable feelings. He had killed without mercy, without control. He had gone the opposite way as myself, though we both had chosen our targets for similar reasons. I had killed quickly, cleanly, at least I had tried to, while he had tortured and enjoyed each deed more than his last. I had thought the killer was evil at first, but now I understood. James wasn't worried about his nature, worried that his blood would overtake him, he already thought he was a monster, and all he could do was use his strengths to end others. It wasn't really so different from what I had done, we had ended up coming to the same decisions as each other, just with different means.

I hated that I didn't fault him for his actions, that I agreed with them now that I knew it had been him, not a crazed Fallen. My own hypocrisy amazed me.

Our connection was inescapable and I was sure that's where my emotions came from, where the worry, the sadness, the hurt of seeing what he was wasting into came from. In a way his failures, his trials and actions and pain were mine as well. And every time he neglected himself, each time he denied one of his needs, it was a blow to me just the same. In his search for strength he had lost himself, and that meant I had lost my Pair. The weight of that realization hit me like an uppercut. I had lost him, really lost him. And this thing now, this husk of a man, was someone new. I was still angry with James, but he was gone. Only Gabriel remained and I pitied him.