Grey II - Ghosts

Chapter 39 - Killing Me Softly

We were born into a life of hate.
I hate everything about the way you look at me.
I hate everything you say and everything you believe.

Like Moths to Flames - Faithless Living

My next day of training did not go well. I couldn't focus, even Zodi had harsh words for me, but nothing could get my mind on task. Ailech asked what was wrong numerous times, even Ember was able to sense that I was distant, but I didn't tell them why.

What could I say? 'My Pair isn't feeling well and I have a sick sinking pit in my stomach and I'm just now realizing he isn't invincible and he isn't the man I thought I knew but somehow he isn't Gabriel either. And now I don't know who my Pair is, maybe I never did, maybe I don't even have a True Pair anymore. And he's too thin and he can't sleep or eat and I can't stop obsessing over him and worrying about him even though I hate him.'

None of my feelings made sense, even to myself, so how could I possibly explain them to someone else? I wished I had never met him, never met any of them. But I knew that was a lie, or at least I thought I did. None of my feelings made sense anymore and I hated the loss of control. My only comfort was that my headache had been slowly dying down, withering away and paining me less and less, but that didn't help my mind feel any more at rest. Every time I closed my eyes, even just for a moment, I saw James doubled over in the gym, blood running down his chin, his thin shoulders convulsing. Or I saw him standing in the shadows, his eyes dark and soulless, watching me like a nightmare.

Every time I was alone I heard him in my mind, heard him waking from his nightmare, or even worse, I'd hear him yell at me to leave, to let him choke and retch alone as I ran from the gym. And then I'd see his dead, blue stare. Something that had once been the most beautiful sight in the world to me was now a disaster, now a tragedy. I hated his eyes more now than I ever had, hated how they showed that he was gone, hated that he was only alive in his Shift, that he was no longer Human at all, no longer had his humanity. He was a Half and I hated that.

He might not have the typically known characteristics of a Half, the manipulation and constant violence and complete disregard for others, but that was only because he had no characteristics at all when he was in his Human form. I couldn't decide if that was better or if I would have preferred him to be perverted into a true Halfling. Part of me thought any emotions, any signs of life, even the bad ones, were better than the nothing he was now.

I was glad Mondays were slow, with a long break between Zodi and my combat with Parish and Prey in the evening. I tried to send Ailech and Ember away, to work on my own, but he refused, and she never seemed to stray far from her tutor's side unless she had to. So they sat in the closest gym to our rooms and watched as I practiced, Ailech reading a book and Ember looking at him from the corners of her wide, round eyes. They sat as I threw my Sign out, letting my rage leak into it, as I flipped my knives, hurling them at the target across the gym. As I worked with new weapons even, learning how to move them, how to balance them. They sat as I worked with my crossbow, and as I used a thin whip to wrap around some objects and slice through others, learning how the different flicks made the wire react.

The supply closet had everything I could imagine, a collection that made even my old Clan's armory seem inadequate and I silently thanked Abby for the effort he had put into making sure I would feel at home. I was sure the gym's closet wasn't usually packed with weapons like it was now.

A metal case in the center of the back wall caught my eye when I was sick of the sword I had spent the last hour playing with, a case similar to the one Zodi had out on our second training. I knew what was in it, could already picture it in my mind, but I still wanted to see it, maybe not train with it, but at least see it, at least hold it.