Grey II - Ghosts

Chapter 48 - Oh, Hell

Desire, I'm hungry.
I hope you'll feed me.

Meg Myers - Desire

Training went late, as it often did with James, getting lost in our shifts, the dance and freedom there. When we finally slowed and I saw the clock, I was the first out of the gym, the depth of my Shift worrying me more and more as I saw how much James needed his, wondering how far behind him I was.

I returned to my room and showered, letting the water change from hot to cold to hot as I turned the dial one way and then the other, letting myself feel the shock each time, the scalding heat before the equal but different sting of ice. It was a needed reminder that I could still cut through the confusion and feel fragments of clarity, of humanity.

I found myself repeating the mantra often after sparring with James, that I was still me, that I was still Human. Because I didn't feel like it when I was around him. It seemed like every time we fought, every time I could Shift without reservation or hesitation, I fell into my nature like a black hole. It was consuming, bottomless and crushing, something unstoppable. It was Heaven, but coming out of it felt like a half-life, like the world was somehow less without my power, or maybe without my Pair, the real version of him I only saw behind my reflection in his obsidian eyes. I stifled the thought.

I felt the water on my skin, felt the temperatures wavering between the two extremes, but I still felt the same inside, unable to thaw, to return to the real world, and I hated it. I stood under the water for far too long, letting it weaken me, letting it soak into me and soften me. When I finally emerged, my fingers were wrinkled and my body blotchy. I sat on the edge of my bed as I brushed my hair, letting it hang over one shoulder, it's damp bleeding a dark shadow that soaked down the side of my tank. I heard a soft knock and knew it would be Ailech, checking up on me. He was probably still worried about my horrible session with Cordelia.

I pulled my hair over evenly, to hide Jevin's scars and called him in. I regretted my carelessness right away as I felt something like static, a current that ran down my spine as the door's handle turned.

"What do you want?"

I tried to sound casual, as I became far too conscious of the shorts I wore, and the fact that they weren't so much shorts. My top that left little to the imagination. The fear that maybe one of my bite marks was peeking from behind my wet hair. Even the fact that there was nowhere for him to sit in my room unless he moved my pile of dirty, sweaty clothes from the sole chair in its corner.

"Abraham mentioned that you wanted to learn glamours. Is that true?"

I ignored the flash of annoyance that Abby seemed to be having regular meetings with James now, sans me. I had never actually said anything about glamours to Abby, but I wasn't about to say that.

"Possibly."

James kept his eyes on my face evenly, easily, emptily, but there was something strange in his stance, something strained. I couldn't seem to get my breathing even, to come and go as it should, so I kept my answers short, hoping my heart's rhythm would go unnoticed. I thought of Parish and Prey's teasing again and felt my lips fight a sneer.

James paused after my answer, as if expecting more, as if he sensed something, and I held my breath as I brushed at the ends of my hair lightly, making sure not to disturb their careful placement.

"Why?"

I swore in my mind as he came further into my room, letting the door softly click behind him, killing the chance of our conversation being brief along with the slight noise of the hallway that kept my room seeming casual, not quiet and intimate and alone.