Another Forever

8 | g o n e

A/N: I'm so bad at writing emotional details so this chapter is somewhat stupid.

• n o o r •

All the men in the house and Aunty Afshan rushed to the hospital on hearing the news, leaving Maheen, Mama and I impatient in the house. We haven't told Dado yet because of her heart issues. Mama was sitting on the prayer mat, praying for his safety. I on the other hand, I don't know what I was doing anymore.

I've never felt such panic in my life. My heart was drumming inside my chest and I felt like spilling my insides out, even though I haven't eaten anything since yesterday evening. My whole body was shaking in fear and if it wasn't for Maheen who was holding me, I might have broken apart.

I raised my hand for dua and said a silent prayer because my throat was too dry to form words. I didn't even realize I was holding my lehnga in my hand. Seeing it made me cry harder and my whole body jolted in panic.

Folding the prayer mat, Mama made her way to us and sat beside me. I hid my head on her chest and cried my heart out while she held me with both arms, consoling me with her kind words and prayers.

Maheen was trying her best to contact Papa and Uncle but nobody was answering the call. The impatience and panic inside the lounge was rising and so was the sound of my tears. My head was spinning with all the crying but I just couldn't stop. It felt like a dam had broken.

"Faaris Bhai is calling." Maheen said as soon as she heard her phone ring.

She gave the mobile to Mama who answered it impatiently. I watched her with trembling hands as she answered the call. Her voice dimmed and the color on her face drained, that caused me to clutch the couch harder.

Something inside me shattered when Mama cut the call and hid her face in between her palms. Something inside me shattered when she prayed to Allah to give peace to his soul. And something inside me shattered when she stared at me with moistened eyes and enveloped me in a hug.

"Meri bachi." She said, kissing me on my head.

Maheen burst into tears beside me and hugged me from behind. Strangely, the part of me that was crying so hard a while ago went numb all of sudden. There were no more tears, no more trembling, no more fastened heartbeat.

Instead, I felt blank, as if Usama took away with him the part of me that used to make me feel something.

°°°°°°°°°°°

Within one minute of hearing the news, I went through the first three stages of grief. Denial. Anger. Bargaining.

Now seven days later, I was still stuck in the fourth stage.

Depression.

Or whatever this feelings was called. The feeling of being so alone and empty inside in a world full of people, the feeling of dying a slow death daily. It hasn't been seven days and things around us were starting to get normal. Nothing stopped for him. Nobody stopped for my Usama.

Aunty, Uncle and Faaris were leaving for USA today. Aunty's condition was getting worse each day since that day and Faaris said she needed to go back to her life in Seattle. The point is, they were leaving. The last thing that belonged to Usama, his family, was leaving me here to grieve alone. As much as Mama, Papa and Maheen loved Usama, they would never feel what I've felt. They would never understand my grief.

He wasn't just a fiancé; he was a part of me. And now, that part was gone and there is a gaping hole where it was. He was supposed to be my forever; my happily ever after. Noor belonged to Usama and without Usama, there was no Noor. Instead, there was just a girl in her place, a girl that resembled her with respect to face and body but her insides were hollow now.

"Aapi, they are leaving." Maheen peeked inside my room and told me.

"Hmm." I replied and kept staring at my hands. There was only a faint hint of his Mehndi left on my hand. Soon, it would leave too and there would be no proof of the fact that I once belonged to him.

"Mama said you should meet them once before leaving." She said, stepping inside.

"Acha." I whispered.

She passed me a pitiful glance and then walked out of the room. After some minutes, I finally hopped off the bed and saw myself in the mirror, wishing I recognized the girl that stared back at me.

Wrapping a white shawl around my head, I left my room and caught the sight of Faaris walking down the stairs with two suitcases in his hands. I recognized the blue one, it belonged to him.

"Salaam." Faaris stopped when he noticed me and put the luggage down.

"Wa alaikum assalam." I said and stared at the bag instead. "Can I... Can I take something of him?" I asked.

"Sure." He whispered and knelt down to open the bag. My eyes landed on his clothes and his shoes and other things that belonged to him and my heart clenched in pain.

Faaris picked out a black hoodie and extended it towards me. A tear rolled down my cheek as I took it in between my hands. The hoodie smelled like him, masculine with a hint of spice. His beautiful face appeared in my mind, followed by the thought that I would never see his face again or watch him smile. I'll never hear his voice again or watch him raise his eyebrows. I'll never hear the sound of his laughter or feel his heartbeat quicken when he is around me.

I didn't realize that I had started crying again, until Faaris held out his handkerchief for me. I knew he was hurt too. At the funeral, I had caught him hiding in Usama's room and crying with hiccups. The next day, he had caught me there in the same position, crying my heart out. Neither of us talked about that again, or talked at all, for that matter.

Taking the handkerchief from him, I wiped my face and together, we made our way to the lounge where Aunty and Uncle were saying their goodbyes.

In just a week, Afshan Aunty had aged a lot. Her eyes were sunken now because of all the crying and her cheeks were hollow. She had stopped eating for two days straight after Usama's death until she fell unconscious and was taken to hospital.

I walked over to her and seeing me, she enveloped me in a hug. I was avoiding her until now because I didn't have the energy to share her grief. My own grief was enough to last a lifetime. How could I console her then? But now that she was hugging me desperately, I felt guilty for leaving her on her own.

"If it was up to me, I would never leave the place where my son is buried, but I need to go." She muttered and I felt her tears on my shoulder. "I wish I could take you with us."

"I understand." I said and hugged her back. "You have to take care of yourself. Usama would never want you to deteriorate your health."

"Same goes for you, Noor. You know his heart used to beat for you." She said and cupped my cheeks. "You have to learn how to live in this world without my son. We both have to."

"I know." I said, biting my lips because if I didn't, I'd end up bursting in tears. "Will you come back?" I asked.

"I'll have to. I'm leaving a part of my soul here." She said and kissed my forehead, after which she walked away.

The next was uncle Humayun who patted my head in a fatherly manner. I could see the moisture building in his eyes but men weren't taught here to show their emotions, which made me feel pity for him.

"Take care of them." I said to Faaris, who was standing in an uncomfortably stiff manner beside the doorframe. He nodded in return and walked out of the lounge without showing any other emotion.

My family went with them to the gate where an Uber car was waiting for them. Once they loaded the luggage, I hugged Aunty for one last time before all three of them seated themselves in the car. The last thing I remember was an acknowledging nod from Faaris after which the car drove them away.

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

Poor Noor :( The story needs a small leap. Don't you think so?

Vocabulary:

• meri bachi: my daughter
• Acha: okay
• Aapi: sister