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The only good thing that came out of that period of bitterness was I began talking to my mom. Like, actually talking to her.
She had noticed a change in me and I physically felt the worry emanating off of her. So, to distract her from asking me questions about what happened, I always sparked up conversations about random topics.
And once, the topic skittered around relationships, and before I could put a stop to it, we were talking about marriage.
I was wary again. It had been so difficult to build that newfound peace with my mother—I didn't want to destroy it. But she surprised me by talking not about my eventual marriage but marriage in general.
"Marriage is something beautiful, really," she had mused. When I turned to her with raised eyebrows, she had laughed. "Really. It is."
"No offense or anything," I started slowly. I was still getting used to saying things bluntly while trying not to think of the consequences. "But it doesn't seem that way from you and Abba."
Her smile had faded then, and I wondered if I should not have said that. But in all honesty, it had been so freeing to speak my mind. To say something without the terror of hurting somebody plaguing my stupid heart.
I only wanted to think of myself, myself, myself.
My mom interrupted my thoughts and said, "It might seem that way. And I'm sorry that's what you have to see." There. After my own revival, I had started noticing more of my mom's ultra-selfless tendencies. Her multiple sorrys even when they were not at all necessary. "But we weren't always like this. And I guarantee you we won't stay like this, either. Marriage fluctuates.
"Do you know why I'm so hell bent on marriage, Sarah? Because it is a commitment that forces you to keep coming back to each other despite the odds. Marriage teaches you resilience, perseverance, strength. It tests your strengths, your compatibilities, your capabilities. It teaches you to strive even when thing's aren't going well because you want to fulfill the contract you've made to one another—emotionally, spiritually, and physically. It's something that binds the two of you so that you don't simply 'break up' when things aren't going well. Rather, you take breaks from each other but learn to come back to one another."
I furrowed my brows. "But aren't regular relationships also testing your strengths, compatibilities, weaknesses?"
She shook her head. "Not as much because they miss the foundational factor—commitment. In other relationships, apart from the legal binding you only have the words and false promises binding you together." I swallowed hard, tears pricking the corners of my eyes as I remembered Zunair's sweet nothings. "And those words and false promises could be withdrawn at any time. That's why the nikah is so special in Islam. It's done in the presence of witnesses, with your guardians by your side, and Ar-Raheem blessing your union. What stability or security does a premarital relationship have? Just words. And simply words mean nothing.
"Relationships outside of marriage are unstable no matter how stable they may seem because they don't teach us to settle for a single person. They don't teach us the art of striving for one person and continuing to try because you love each other and want it to work out. Relationships outside of marriage—no matter how intense they may seem—are threatening. But marriage is secure." She turned to me and smiled. "Sarah, marriage teaches us to become stronger people because we learn to accept someone's flaws after we've spent so much time with them and strived through hardships with them, keeping in mind the contract that binds us together not only legally but also emotionally, mentally, spiritually, etcetera."
I was quiet, hands under my chin in contemplation. Everything she said resonated straight to my core, rattling me. That relationships outside of marriage were unstable, uncertain, falsely secure. That marriage was stable and hard but a lesson every day to keep learning to turn back to one another.
