How I See The Colours Of The Rainbow

Chapter two - orange

    I feel as if orange doesn’t have many associations. It often reminds of autumn and Halloween, possibly something of a rather spooky nature. However, for me I’m always reminded of how it was my favourite colour as a child. There’s not a lot I can remember about my childhood. Unintentionally, my brain represses most of my memories. The most I can remember is some bad times that I’d rather not share. Childhood is a tricky thing. So much can go wrong and for me it did. I have plenty wrong with me and I’m not a even an adult yet. I’m not sure why orange was my favourite. Possibly because of its spooky connotations that satiated my interest in the macabre or the fact it’s an autumnal colour and I was born in the autumn. Or perhaps it was because nobody else seemed to like the colour orange and I related to that feeling of being left behind and lonely? I’m not sure but I hope to have some kind of epiphany someday. I’m not as keen for the colour as I used to be. This strangely resembles my life. Orange-a bright colour that usually appears cheerful but is not commonly favoured that is the favourite of a cheerful (actually in denial) but lonely child. This changed as I grew older and began to acknowledge what was happening in my life, trading my favourite colour for one more reflective of my mental state.

That’s not to say that I do not like the colour. It has such vibrancy that inspires me. One thing that has always been an escape for me is designing, art, textiles and anything creative really. Orange provides such inspiration, creating ideas of sunsets and maple leaves. Yet now all I think of when I use orange is how infantile the designs usually are. Only this may be the reflection of my psyche realising reality and poisoning my thoughts with insecurity.  The mind is a funny thing, as I am sure you're aware and mine seems to delight in its own deceptiveness.  I am more self aware than I care to admit and in that I am willing to admit the hold this colour has over me. There is so much that can be taken away from this wonderful colour, and the inspiration that is a consequence of that, yet my mind is willing to waste it because of my past. I wonder if things had been different whether I would have favoured orange at all, or if I would be able to draw even more inspiration from it. However, there is no reason to dwell on what is not.

Another association of orange is enthusiasm  and being energetic and this could possibly also explain my disconnection from the colour over time. As a child, I had that inevitable childlike innocence and enthusiasm, covering for the fear and loneliness I felt when at home, not quite processing my emotions at the time. But over the years, my mental health has deteriorated and crumbled, leaving my enthusiasm to crumble as well. I no longer feel as much enthusiasm, I don't feel as energetic as I used to, which I am somewhat ashamed of, yet I am also too tired to care much. Maybe one day when I find a healthy way to heal and fix or at least have a handle on my problems I will be able to find my enthusiasm and energy again, allowing me to unlock my true potential as a creative. Yet I cannot say for certain.

I wonder whether the past affects you similarly and changes your perspective, even on things as small as colour. Life can be difficult so much so that we find comfort in shared human experience, and although it is my hope no one has had to go through similar experiences, it does bring some relief, in the idea that someone may also relate to having their perspective skewed right down to the smallest details.