Finding You

Chapter 25

Thanksgiving 2020

Everywhere I look reminds me of Grams. Every inch of this house makes my eyes swell, even worse when there's a memory attached to it. The fresh blueberries in the fridge that she ate on her cereal that I saw a week after she died, that where no longer fresh. Her favorite Fiesta dinner ware. Random blue sticky notes in the kitchen containing a new recipe she found in her cursive writing and wanted to try. Her yellow chair down by the dock. Everything breaks me over and over again, relentless grief that won't give up in this war. You never realize how many little things remind you of someone until they're gone.

It's been almost three months since she died, but everyday feels like it's just the same day repeating again. Every Thanksgiving Grams and I would cook a dinner big enough to serve a family of six, but for just us, with enough leftovers to last us almost a week. Trudging my heavy feet down the noisy steps, I make my way into the kitchen. For the first time the fridge is nearly empty. The group helped me empty most of it before we went back to campus after the funeral, since most of what was in there would spoil soon after. It's Thanksgiving, and I have a fridge full of nothing except milk, jelly, a few frozen meals, and cans of soda. What a meal.

Steam from the fresh coffee in my mug warms my hands and face while sitting outside on the porch in the early November morning chills my skin. Looking down at my feet, my orange and light brown and grey stripped wool socks contrast with my dark and light blue plaid pajama pants that drape around my feet. Breathing in the cool fall air calms my nerves that were up and early this morning. Orange and yellow and red leaves cover the ground, with matching trees above that are still holding onto what leaves they have left. Early sunlight peaks through the branches that canopy above, leaving dancing beams of light scattered throughout the yard. Silence fills the air, only the occasional light breeze makes any sound when it whispers through the trees.

A few hours pass by, lost in the relief and stillness of nature, and a good book that escapes my mind. Throughout the day, a day that's supposed to be spend with family and good food and sharing all sorts of things, I spend it lounging around on the sofa in the living room, watching Friends. It's the one show I can watch over and over and never get tired of. It might be odd to others, but somehow the show makes me feel less alone when watching it. It reminds me of the family I've made with Kaia and Delia, and Henry and Sebastian. It makes me laugh and smile when I don't want to, bringing a sense of comfort when I need it the most.

The day goes by quickly as I notice the room getting darker and darker, and all of a sudden rumbling sounds from my stomach. As the next episode goes by I've decided I'll just order a delivery of pizza from a local pizza place down the road. It's not a Thanksgiving meal but it'll do.

Out of no where, a knock on the front door gives me goosebumps and pricks my nerves. Who the hell would that be?

Walking over to the door, I stand on my toes and nervously peak through the glass at the top of the door. Red, curly hair catches my eye, along with three more familiar faces. The lock on the door clicks and as I open it cold air cools my bare arms.

"What are you all doing here? You scared the shit out of me."

One by one they enter the house, and they're not alone. With them comes along savory smells that instantly makes me curious as to what they belong to.

"We brought dinner!" Kaia says with a wide smile, "It's Thanksgiving, and we didn't want you to be alone. We also knew that you'd be in pajamas so we dressed accordingly." Scanning across them, she's right. They're all in sweats, the girls in flannel pajama bottoms like me.

"You guys didn't have to do this, I'm okay. Really."

"Nice try but no, you're not," Sebastian says as he's instantly by my side.

"Besides, Kaia and I spent time with our families at lunch, Henry is always up for more food, and Sebastian didn't have plans for the rest of the night. We also didn't want him to be alone either, so we each brought a dish," Delia says holding up her square ceramic dish full of mashed potatoes that smells like garlic and herbs. Kaia held a large bowl of cooked vegetables, an assortment of colors throughout that belonged to carrots, peppers, broccoli, zucchini, and squash.

"Mom's homemade mac and cheese, which I know you love," Henry says as he leans down to kiss my cheek gently.

Looking over to Sebastian, he holds a store bought rotisserie chicken that smelled full of flavor as he says, "You know I can't cook."

A smile makes it's way on my face, and a laugh follows. Everyone makes their way into the kitchen, Henry ad Delia immediately fixing drinks for everyone while Kaia heads to the pantry to grab paper plates.

"Wait," I say, and everyone pauses what they're doing to look at me. Walking over to one of the upper cabinets, I pause, but then open them to see the colorful Fiesta ware stacked high. For the first time in three months, looking at something that was special to Grams doesn't bring me instant pain. "Let's use these instead." Walking past the glass doors behind the kitchen table, I catch a glimpse of the smile on my face.

Every plate is full, and so are everyone's mouth.

"Henry, please tell your mom I said thank you for her mac and cheese. Also ask if it's cool if I stop by next weekend for an order, please," Sebastian begs. I don't blame him, because it's true. Henry's mom makes the most delicious, cheesy oven baked mac and cheese.

Henry laughs and responds, "Will do man, but she may rope you into some yard work for the dish."

Sebastian's eyebrows raise slightly and says as everyone laughs, "I'd do yard work any day if it meant I got to eat more of this."

"So, how was family lunches today?" I ask, looking towards Kaia and Delia.

Finishing up a bite of food, Delia responds, "It was great. Luckily our families get along well, you'd think large Thanksgiving gatherings of two families would be more chaotic, but it was really nice getting to see everyone. Kaia's family and mine are actually going to a cabin a few hours out for a week for Christmas. But we feel bad that we won't be here for the holidays with you."

"Oh my god no, please don't feel bad. I am so happy for you both, I bet you'll both have a great time with your families. I'm fine, really I mean it. Besides, I'll have the boys for Christmas."

Henry speaks up and says, "Well, actually, I was getting ready to tell you all that Jonah and I are taking a trip for the holidays too. But Luna, seriously we can stay—."

"No. You're gonna go, don't worry about me." Henry smiles and nods, and then finishes up the last bit of food on his plate.

Sebastian leans back in his chair, with that cheeky smile and eyes on me, his arms stretched and hands laced behind his head and says, "Well, looks like it's just me and Loo for Christmas then."