Loss Fragment

CHAPTER 18: The many what if's

Ella POV

Would it end differently if I were to say those few words he had been wanting me to say?

Would it be different if I were to be less like me and be a little more like that. If I tried to be more like the woman he wanted me to be.

I wonder, what if things were different. There are too many what if's. I still don't remember moments from my past. Those memories I spent with Damon, they are blurry.

But, I do remember how I felt. I remember how sad I was. That's the worst part about remembering.

I've been spending the last couple of days in bed. Doing nothing. Mainly staring at my ceiling. Sleeping.

Mrs Joan came into the room to bring me food three times a day and Stella will make sure I eat. Yeah, Max makes sure she stays this time. She only takes orders from Max now. She only leaves when he has returned from work. So, practically I was never left alone.

So, today Stella said I have to go to the hospital for my appointment with Doctor Michael. She helped me get ready. Sebastian will take me there and Max will meet me at the hospital, she said.

"Hey, it's been a while.."

I opened the car passenger's door before Sebastian managed to do that for me and got in. Didn't even acknowledge him. I look out and keep my eyes at the view from the car window.

I haven't said words to Max or anyone after I fell asleep in Max arms after I broke down. He had been spending his time with me in my room every night. He would just cuddle me close in his arms. He didn't ask anything. And, I appreciated that. And, we would fall asleep like that.

"I'm sorry about that night. I knew Max wouldn't hurt you, that's why I didn't do anything. He cares for you. He would never hurt you."

"And, I care for you." Sebastian continued.

He cares for you. I care for you. That's where it all started right?

People tell you they care, but eventually they just stop caring. They changed. They got you attached. They make you feel something nice. Then, they took it back.

It hurts so bad.

I closed my eyes. I can feel my eyes start to get watery. I don't want to cry. I remember I cried a lot. I cried myself to sleep every night. I remember not sleeping well on most nights. I remember feeling groggy and felt like a zombie during most days.

I remember surviving but not living.

It hurts.

A drop of tear rolled down my cheek.

I opened my eyes and focused on the view outside. I wipe my tears off with one hand.

Before I remember what I had remembered, I had hoped I would remember what it was like to be the old Ella. But, being the old Ella came with a price. My happiness.

My past makes me who I am. If this is me, then I don't want to be me.

Was that the reason I pushed Maxwell off the road?

When I reached Dr Michael Clinic, Max was already there. He hugged me and took me in to see Dr Michael. I needed to repeat the Brain MRI and ankle Xray. Dr Michael said I needed them to see how much I've healed.

Everything was good, he said.

I had my cast removed and replaced with a plastic type boot cast. I don't have to use my crutches anymore. I should have been excited. I had been waiting for this for weeks. But, I feel nothing. It's all just news. It does nothing to me.

After I had my boot cast on, Max took me to this comfy looking room. Then, a woman came in and introduced herself as Ms Collin, a Clinical Psychologist.

I turned to look at Max. He still has his hand placed on my back, I can feel him rubbing my back gently. He gives me a smile.

I look up to see his eyes. He cares. He wants to help.

So, he takes me here?

I stare blankly at the woman in front of me. She was saying something, but I wasn't paying attention. After a while her voice starts fading.

I look around the room I'm in.

So, this is where the troubled and sad people gave in and supposedly talked? And, maybe cry?

I look at the woman in front of me again.

So, she thinks she would understand how I feel?

How would a person understand something that they probably didn't experience?

She probably gets paid big money just to listen to some sick people talk about their problems. But, I bet she cared shit about them.

Is that what Max thinks of me? That I'm sick?

Am I sick?

Max POV

So, Dr Michael thinks that Ella might need a psychologist to help her go through whatever it is that is bothering her right now. He said she could be having depression which may or may not be related to her accident.

That's why I took her to see Collin. I'm not sure if it was a good idea or not. But, I really don't know what else to do.

"Hi, my name is Ms Anna Collin, I'm a Clinical Psychologist and you must be Ella." Collin introduced herself.

Ella reached and shaked Collin's hand reluctantly and then she looked at me.

I rub her back and give her a smile of reassurance. Please don't hate me for this.

"I was just thinking, maybe we could talk." Collin leans forward and gives Ella a smile.

Ella just stares at Collin blankly. Then, she looks away. She looked like she was in deep thought.

I looked at Collin, and she returned my gaze and then gave me a small smile.

"Maxwell told me that you like to read. Would you like to share with me what you have been reading?" Collin tried again.

Ella wasn't even paying attention to Collin. She was staring at the long couch in Collin's office. I rub her back to let her know I'm still here with her.

That, it is alright.

"So, do you only read or do you like to write as well? I come across many people who love reading just as much as they love writing." Collin placed a blank A4 size paper on the desk and pushed it toward Ella's direction.

Still no reaction.

Collin sat straighter this time "Mr Xavier would you mind leaving us alone for a moment?"

I stare at Collin and give her a stern look at her request and then I look at Ella. She is not ready for this.

I shake my head. "Hey baby girl, it's okay now. Let's go home." I placed my hands on her face and made her face me. Then, I kiss her forehead.

I can tell Collin wasn't happy. "Mr Xavier, I think.." I lift my hand to stop her.

Not today.

I walked out of Collin's office and told Sebastian to take Ella to the car. "I'll be with you in a bit." I said as I kissed her forehead. I don't know why I keep doing that. It just feels right.

"Mr Xavier, she may be physically here with you right now but emotionally she is in her own world. I'm worried about her mental health. I need to work on her. You need to give me time to reach her."

Collin said as I turned to face her.

"Not today Collin."

"Just don't wait too long," She said. "And, I suggest, you shouldn't leave her on her own."

I know.

I nod and then walk away.