Civil Vicious

Chapter 5: Dreams

My sleep was restless and plagued by fevered and confusing dreams. Images flashed through my mind, and they were so vivid that I couldn't tell whether they were real. I saw myself surrounded by townsmen, laughing and making conversation. I wore their clothes and ate their food. We traveled around their metropolises in self-propelled carriages coated in brightly colored paint.

I saw myself embracing them, kissing them, playing with them and loving them. 

I labored in their man-made edifices of employment, but somehow the life of the townsman didn't seem nearly as horrendous as Kokegna had told me it was. 

In fact, the people I saw in these dreams seemed friendly. Some of them even told me they loved me, and I couldn't help but feel an affectionate attraction toward them.

I awoke the next morning with a thundering headache. The blood inside my skull pounded painfully in a steady rhythm. Ribbons of morning light seeped through the cave's door and burned my eyes. I struggled to collect my thoughts, but my mind was too foggy to focus. Confused and in pain, I sighed with relief as I discovered my beautiful Friend comfortably nestled under my arm. 

Hoping to divert my attention from my aching head, I focused on her breathing. It was steady and calm. Her bosom lifted and sank with the peaceful rhythm, and I felt safe again.

We didn't go into the forest to gather that day. The winter's chill had rendered the trees baron until spring. Besides, after such a successful hunt, we had all the food we'd need to endure the winter. So, we spent a lot of our time huddled inside the cave. We gathered around small fires and huddled beneath pelts. My beautiful Friend and I spent most of our time sharing a fur blanket and grazing on berries and greens from our food stores.

But still, as comfortable as the companionship of such a beautiful woman made me feel, the things I had seen in my dreams the night before continued to tumble through my mind. Somehow, I knew the people in the dreams. Somehow, I knew I loved them. Perhaps I even missed them. 

Amidst my swimming thoughts, I couldn't recall whether I drank my nightly dose of tonic that night. In fact, I was almost certain I hadn't. Perhaps this was why Kokegna insisted we drink it routinely each evening, to ward off nightmares of our past lives.

As the sun set and darkness blanketed the forest below, curiosity manifested in my mind like a growing tumor. My head swam with questions about the memories my dreams had revealed, the largest of which being, had I been happy? 

I truly had no idea. What if I was happy in my former life? Was it the type of happiness that brought purpose and satisfaction, or was it a dumb and blind happiness? Then again, does such a distinction matter so long as my life is happy?

Against my better judgement, I surrendered to my thirst for answers. When the stone jar was passed around the cave that night, I did not partake. I lifted the container's rim to my lips but did not allow any of the tonic to pass through. Pretending to swallow, I yawned and retired to bed. My beautiful Friend curled up next to me and placed her head on my shoulder. Our breathing slowly synchronized into a peaceful rhythm until my eyelids became heavy and I slipped out of consciousness.

***

This time my dreams terrified me, but my reason for being fearful had changed. 

The images that I saw were essentially the same as they had been the night before. I was dressed in the clothes of a townsman, I ate their food and lived in their immaculate dwellings. I hugged, spoke and laughed with people who I couldn't help but believe to be my friends and family. Everything I saw was pleasant, even happy. 

What terrified me was how strongly I longed to return to whatever life I had before waking up naked and confused inside the cave. 

Truthfully, I was happy to live in the cave. I felt comfortable living among the tribe and enjoyed the company of my beautiful Friend. However, the things I saw in my dreams not only seemed happy, but they were also familiar. And in that way, they felt correct.

So, when I awoke in the night, my body was covered in sweat. When my eyes finally snapped open, I saw my beautiful Friend peering at me. Her expression was soft, and her eyes were wide with concern. 

"What is it? Are you alright?" she asked, softly rubbing her fingers across my forehead.

I sat up suddenly, panting and desperate for air. "Just a dream," I said.

"A dream?" she asked quizzically.

"Yeah," I said dismissively. "It was just a dream. I'm alright, it's over now."

The way she looked at me hardened as though she was baffled beyond understanding. "How could you have had a dream?" she asked. "I haven't had one of those in..." her voice trailed off. "Well, I don't know how long, really."

Surprised, I said, "You haven't ever had a dream?"

She shook her head, "I don't think anyone here has them. Not often, anyway."

"How..." I started but stopped myself. When I thought about it, I couldn't recall having a single dream since I was brought to the cave. Maybe that's why seeing such vivid visions during the last two nights frightened me so much. "Maybe it was just a fluke," I said dismissively. "Probably won't happen again. No need to worry."

She looked at me disbelievingly but didn't protest. She placed her head back on my shoulder and trailed her fingers along my chest until her eyelids became too heavy to stay open. I, on the other hand, stayed awake until the sun came up, terrified to close my eyes and see more.

The following day was spent exactly like the previous one. Everyone in the tribe huddled around fires and beneath pelts to ward off the frigid winter air. I noticed myself clinging more tightly to the pelt draped over my body, making more of an effort to keep myself covered. Not because of the cold, but because I felt suddenly more aware of my nakedness. What made things worse was my realization that everyone else was naked, especially the beautiful woman who remained pressed against me as we huddled next to the glowing fire.

I hardly spoke that day. I couldn't focus on anything anybody said to me. My head was cluttered with the images that flashed through my dreams, only to be interrupted by the sight of people strutting nude around our confined living space. By the end of the day, I could hardly look at my beautiful Friend. Not only did I feel shame in having my body exposed to her, but I felt shameful as I looked at her and felt a rush of excitement buzz within my loin.

I needed sleep. I needed relief from my feverish mind. I needed the dreams to stop and to expel my unnecessary impulses of shame and desire. That night, I took the stone basin and felt the tonic touch my lips, but for reasons I can't explain, I couldn't bring myself to drink.