SUMMIT

autopilot

I ended up lost, so I came here.
I came here to try and make sense
of what happened, and what to do
now about it. I know that my thoughts
are good intentioned, but sometimes,
it's like... no matter how badly I want
to imagine and visualize a bridge that
will help me cross this flowing river, that
unless there is something tangible or
physical that I can use to make it, this
will only stay as a dream in my head.

I don't know if I will sleep well tonight,
and I don't know when or if this exhaustion
stops. Since you fell, and even in the
straining moments before, I could feel
the heaviness overcome me.

However, you have been a great travel
companion, the one adventurous enough
to come with me and support me in building
that bridge. Honestly, when I reflect back
on it, you were the first one to believe in
me, and even all the way through the end,
you made sure I knew how supported I was
by you. That's how I have a well-stocked
body and mind in these kinds of moments,
where I can sort of click on autopilot and
just sit with myself.

This is not the first time I lost somebody
dear to me. I had to learn early on, many
years back, that I have to sit with myself,
and process my feelings, and acknowledge
the range and spectrum of emotions, like
how quickly the weather turns here at
these peaks.

I warned you about the winter, and I
did not realize that I was ultimately
warning my own self. I was prepped
for hibernation and now that the cold
has set in, I have the preparations to
see me through this, to get me alive
and out on the other side.

But even with these resources, I still
wonder if I should have said or done
things differently, and if that would
have changed this outcome. I don't
regret it, but I am simply aware of
how many options there might have
actually been the entire time, but I
was not able to see it for myself.

I suppose I might have to make
peace with that, within myself.
There will always be other paths
that could have been taken, that
might have led to different experiences,
and difference outcomes. But now
I know with a surety where this path
led us to, and finding peace will
take time.

Peace and what it means to be human
is not one dimensional in nature. There
are so many different ways, and maybe
I can't bring you back the way that I first
knew you as, but perhaps I can start in
earnest to bring more of you into my life
and make better plans, and feel the firmness
of being better supported.