Story of Axel

Chapter 1-beginning-

Hello reader. This is the story of my life. Most names will be replaced with fake ones (including my own).

Let's go back to the beginning.

Hi, I'm axel. And my mum died when i was 4. I don't remember much from when I was a kid. Due to a form of ptsd I lost most of my memories from back then. My mum died from a type of cancer and it was traumatic for 4 year old me. And my sister. And my dad. My sister is 4 years older than me and my dad is around 30. I know losing my mum traumatised us all, but my dad rarely showed it. And my sister has always been strong. Me on the other hand, I'm pretty emotional. Dunno if that's the hormones or what, but I've never been good at hiding my emotions. They always overflow.

Through my childhood, my dad had a few girlfriends. But one stuck. Her name was Daisy (fake name). She had 3 kids. One is 19, his name is Ethan. One is 17. Her name is Cynthia. And the last one is 13, his name is Graham. My sister is currently 17 and I'm 13. I know, 7 people all together. That's a lot.

And on top of all that, we live in a flat above a pub. Is a small space for so many people. And 2 dogs.

Daisy is bipolar. And that's what causes most issues with me. I try and understand her, and work with her. But most of the time it's not her disorder, it's just her. Sometimes she'd turn to Graham and be all happy, then turn to me and yell at me for the stupidest shit ever. She's the reason I'm so quiet. Because I've been told off for simply smiling.

Seriously. Smiling. Once we were all on holiday and Danielle had told me to give up my seat for Cynthia. Because there weren't enough. Obviously I said no, because that's not fair. I was there first. She got super mad at me and said I was ruining the holiday. She called me selfish. And many other names. A brat. Spoiled. Etc.

Later in the night, she was leaving with the older kids to the club, I smiled at her politely as she left. She glared and said, "don't fucking smile at me."

I burst into tears. I was only 10 at the time. The older kids came home later that night and they were a bit shooken up. Apparently Daisy had gotten heavily drunk and she was angry. They decided to leave her there.

I was terrified. I knew I was the cause of her anger and that scared me. There had been times before when she had throne plates or mugs at me or her kids. Knowing how drunk and angry she was, I was scared she'd hurt me.

So I returned to my room, I was sharing with Graham at the time. He offered to lock the door. He was scared too.

This incident was one of many others. Like the times she threw stuff at me whilst I slept. Or pinched my arm whilst I was sleeping, shone a torch in my face, and threatened to not let me go to the toilet in the morning if I didn't wake up and walk the dogs in time. Sometimes I'd fear to sleep. Great mind set for a 10 year old, right? Right? ..

Another thing I hated about Daisy was her view on LGBTQIA+. She said she "supported" it. But she only supports Lesbian, gay and Bisexual. She also supports transgender. But nothing else. She said everything else is pointless. And that the rest are attention seekers. Hearing that makes my heart shatter. I'm aroace and genderfluid. So hearing that from the closest "mother figure" I've had since I was four, is well...frustrating to say the least. Whenever I tried to mention my asexuality, she'd say I'm too young to know. And that I haven't even had sex yet. So I couldn't "possibly" know. Recently I heard her talking about different sexualities to Graham. She said, and I quote, "I won't even get started on Asexual. Like, you don't not like people, you're just weird."

I beg your finest pardon??

As an asexual and aromatic person myself, this broke me. I know that if I ever come out to her, she won't support me.

Oh wait! But there's more.

Moving off of the subject of sexuality, and onto mental health!

I'm quite a chubby girl. And I'm really self-conscious of it. The comments from my classmates don't help either. Even Daisy made a few comments. One she made was when Cynthia mentioned I might need to start wearing bras. Daisy said, "She doesn't need bras. Her boobs aren't boobs. They're just fat." ...

Do I even need to explain why that comment made me feel so bad???

When I came to secondary school, my mental health got worse. It was too stressful. And I grew more self-conscious. I never was good at making friends, and my friendships never lasted more than a year. So I was pretty lonely.

That's when I started to $H. I was 12. I used scissors and yk.... But anyway, eventually my school found out. And they called my parents. Daisy called me selfish and that I made my dad depressed. Haha. Wow. On top of that, the school had promised to sort out some kind of therapy for me. But they never talked to me again after that. They didn't even mentioned it. And my parents didn't do anything either.

I was all alone. I had to stop myself. I did it. A 12 year old girl, had to control her own urges. I had to lock myself away from any sharp objects.

And then, a few months later, I had a relapse. My dad was away when the school found out. I said to my school, "please don't tell my parents, my dad is away and I'd like to wait until after he comes back."

Later that same day, I get home from school to an angry Daisy. Again, she called me selfish and guilt tripped me about my dad. And then told me to show her my cuts. So I showed her.

Yk what she said???

"They aren't even that deep."

Excuse me...?

Didn't know that there was a certain "deepness" for them to count as $H. Like what????

She didn't even ask for the blade. She just started crying and said, "me and your dad really do care about you. Can I have a hug?" Not, do you want a hug,. She wanted a hug. Not to comfort me, but for me to comfort her.

Yet again, no one did anything. It wasn't mentioned again. That was it.

Even when they found suicide notes, they brushed them off. Even yelled at me for what I had wrote.

And made comments like, one from my dad when I was upset, "what, gonna write another suicide note?"

...

Yes I am, tyvm xx

I'd go into extensive research about suicide. And how to do it. Even going through every pill in the house and searching if it could kill me if I overdosed. and I got the train app. To see what time I could jump infront of it.

You're probably thinking, "you're 13, aren't you overreacting a bit?" Okay. Maybe. But I'm 13 with no support. And nothing to look forward to. "Well what about your future?"
What about it?

What future exactly? Sitting working a shitty job, working late? Hardly making enough to pay the bills?

That future?

That's what I'm supposed to loom forward to? 

WHAT BULLSHIT.

I work hard in school, only to work harder at work??? Will I ever get a break??? "Well what about getting a happy family, and a happy husband/wife?"

WELL IM AROACE, SO GOOD LUCK WITH THAT.

I have absolutely no patience or friends. The only thing worth living for is anime and shit.

I have nothing genuinely keeping me here.

And I'm supposed to live?? This isn't living!!! This is fucking surviving!!

Welp now I've realised I've gone on a rant.

Yk, this story will most likely be a massive rant 😭🫶

Thanks for reading xx