The Burdened

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Like everything in life, there was a vague premonition. Multiple people saw it coming. Maybe, not quite in the literal sense. They had simply told her it was bound to happen. They, however, didn’t necessarily mean that it would happen. It was the kind of words people said as a passing remark. And Yuki, for one, had never been the kind of person that was observant enough to analyze things that didn’t immediately affect her. She found it unnecessary, much to her mother's disapproval. Yuki’s mother had often told her that her inattentiveness would cause trouble in the future. If only she knew just how right her mother was. 

When that fateful incident did happen, all those words and the people who said it flashed across her mind. Only for a moment though. Enough to make her pause but not enough to make her stop, unfortunately. Yuki knew that consequences took to actions like shadows took to the light, especially actions that were done without a single previous thought. And she would like, no, she would love to say that she did it without thinking. That it was a spur of a moment decision. However, that would be an outright lie. And she had never really acquired the ability to lie to herself. 

Yuki had played out every possible scenario it could lead to in the few seconds she was given and concluded that she could deal with the aftermath. Bring it on. She was the infamous Yuki, after all. Strong, bold, and daring Yuki that so many envied, unaware of her true nature. They all thought that she was meticulous and patient in her every action. 

That has never been the case. Take that day in the school bathroom, for instance, when her best friend called her a useless traitor for leaking all her secrets. A smarter, more patient person would have calmly explained themself in a logical manner. Yuki however, thought that assaulting her best friend, both physically and mentally, was the definite way to go. This resulted in suspension and a hefty sum for the hospital bills. Even now, she is almost certain that the girl never forgave her even though the fault lies in her best friend’s words. Yuki had always stupidly lived in the moment. And that was what she truly thought this was. A mere moment. She could handle it. 

Yuki was, however, wrong. She regretted it. Every single moment of it. She regretted it so much that every good thing that happened in her life was coated with the pain of her past. She would catch herself smiling and remember what she did. She would look at her loved ones and wonder if they knew what had happened. She would even change her decision, given the chance. And that, was saying something as Yuki was the kind of philosophical person that believed every decision in life came with regret. But now, going the other route seemed to be a much better option.  

Yuki wished that she was a blameless victim that everyone would pity. Truth be told, her manipulation skills were good enough to accomplish that feat. It would be so easy, like taking candy from a newborn. But even if she was a sinner, she was a sinner with her own set of morals. And so, she desperately wished she had no choice in the matter. But she did have a choice, however elusive. And try as she might, there was no one to blame but herself. 

  

Then again, maybe it was the fact that it was him that hurt her the most. Maybe it wouldn’t have hurt so much if he was a stranger that had never cared about her. If he was just another guy and she was just another girl who had a chance encounter. But she knew him. He knew her. Yuki had smiled, laughed, and cried with him. He was the very embodiment of perfect, should the attribute be possible. His innocent smile had her heart in a chokehold and her mind in a turmoil. They were right for each other in all the wrong ways. In hindsight, there were so many signs of what was to come. They were just oblivious, him more than her. 

A deed done in a moment brought on a lifetime of the worst pain a person could possibly have. She couldn’t even cry her pain away, the guilt forming an impenetrable dam for her sobs. She tried and tried and tried again. Her attempts were futile. How was it that a sad movie could have her sobbing but a pain like no other has her void of any feelings? All that was left was the physical pain in her heart that felt like someone was wrenching her heart right out of her. Yuki would venture to guess that said someone was herself. It seemed that the pain took too much from her. Some days, she would say it took everything from her and every part of her. 

To the eyes prying her every action, it would seem that she had forgotten what had happened. Well, someone should tell them that Yuki was an excellent actress. Every second of that incident was engraved in her mind, set in stone. It was very early morning, quite contrary to the usual time she would expect it to happen. Most of the details didn’t carry much weight in altering the course of the story. More than anything, she remembered just how tired she was. She worried her body might give out right there and then. And that was not something that anybody wanted. 

Yuki wished it had ended right there. That was how it should be anyway. It was the ghost of her past, one that she had exorcised with all her might. Life had gone on. Details of the incident were now hazy and she caught herself wondering if maybe, it had all been nothing but a nightmare, like the ones she had as a child. And for a while, she was hopeful that she would never have to confront what she did. No one would ever have to know. Then, they found his body, cold and broken, just like her soul.