Breaking J.A.C.I.E. (All Time Low Fanfiction | Jack Barakat)

Day 7: Locksmith

Jack and I found ourselves on a blanket, sipping hot coffee and tea from thermoses. The lake in front of us was gently rippling at the banks. It was nice to get out of the cabin and have a change of scenery. The air could get stuffy and heavy inside. Unfortunately, being outside did not mean all of our problems simply washed away.

A silence still lingered between us, broken only by the occasional breeze rustling the leaves and water rolling over some pebbles. I stared across the water, wondering how the world could be so calm. Everything we did came with a certain weight and significance now. Even something as simple as going on this walk together meant more than before.

"We need to figure things out," I broke the silence, turning my attention to Jack.

He frowned, looking at me over his thermos. "How so?"

"If we're going to do this," I started, putting my own cup down, "if we're going to move forward, we need to figure out how we're going to do it. We can't go back home and fall into old habits."

"Yes." He immediately agreed. "We need to be a team again."

"We need to figure out what we want from each other, and more importantly, what we want for ourselves." It was a crucial moment, a crossroads that could either lead us towards reconciliation or divergence. "What do you need, Jack?"

Instead of giving me an answer, he started smiling. My brows furrowed just the slightest bit at his reaction. I wanted us to make a roadmap, to have a strong basis to rebuild things on. And here he was, just smiling at me.

"What?" I asked with a puzzled expression.

He just shook his head and chuckled lightly, "nothing."

"Okay..." I was sceptical. "Then tell me, what do you need from me? From us?"

But that stupid grin of his only got worse. I hadn't seen his teeth that pronounced since we thought we were having a baby. The corners of his eyes even wrinkled, exposing the joy he was feeling.

"What?" I insisted, slapping his chest lightly. "Stop smiling at me!"

"I'm not!" He raised his hands up in defence, but his smile did not falter.

"You are!"

"I'm not." He pulled down the corners of his mouth with his fingers. "See, no smile."

I gave him a fake scowl. Amusement bubbled within me, but we needed to have this conversation. I wanted to hash this out now before the trip would lead to nothing. We needed to take steps to find what we were.

"Okay, okay," his playful demeanour shifted, but his grin didn't even weaken, "serious mode. What do I need? I need... I need to let you in. I've been holding back, maybe out of fear, maybe out of a misguided attempt to protect us. But we can't move forward if I'm keeping you at arm's length."

I nodded, encouraged by his honesty and agreeing with him. "And what about me? What do I need to do differently?"

He studied my face for a moment, his expression turning thoughtful. "I think you need to give yourself permission to be vulnerable too. It's not all on me to open up. We both have scars, Jace, and we need to let each other see them."

I took a moment to absorb his words, realising the truth in them. I had been so caught up in Jack's pain and getting him to let me in, that I had completely forgotten to take care of myself. Not taking the time to feel my own emotions had made me build up a resentment that could have caused us to crash and burn. I had let myself be dependent on Jack's ability to open up to let myself feel. And that wasn't right either.

"You're right," I agreed, wrapping my arms around my knees as I brought them up to my chest. "We need to communicate better. We can't let ourselves shy away from the hard conversations anymore, even if they make us uncomfortable."

Jack's smile softened into a genuine expression of understanding. "Exactly. We're in this together, and that means being honest, even if it hurts."

"So, where do we start?"

"First..." he took a moment to contemplate before answering, "we need to acknowledge that we've both changed. That's just a fact. We have to learn to love the people we've become."

"And we have to prioritise ourselves too," I added, remembering my biggest issue. "We can't solely rely on each other for happiness. We know my track record isn't the greatest."

"That was different..."

We both knew what I was referring to: my low point almost exactly two years earlier. I had slipped down a slippery slope when Jack first went on tour. Now, I knew people leaving me behind along with being newly married had merged into one trauma response. The past two months had felt like a different amalgamation of the same childhood experience.

I shook my head. "It isn't, but that's okay. I just need to learn to recognise it better."

Jack's gaze was locked on mine. "Then I'll try my best to help you with that. And I'll get my own therapist."

I reached out, slipping my hand into his and giving it a squeeze. Both those things meant more that he could possibly know. To help each other, we had to help ourselves. If he could figure out the things he needed support in, then I could step in

"Anything else we should do?" I softly asked, not wanting us to forget anything.

His thumb traced circles on the back of my hand as he looked down. "We need to rediscover the joy in all the small things."

"All the small things?" I gave him a serious look. "Truth care, truth brings?"

He laughed and nodded. "Watching, waiting, and commiserating."

"Damn, okay, I think we can try."

We both continued to chuckle, the weight of the conversation elevating. It was nice to know we could still joke around with each other. Even in moments like this. We weren't avoiding anything serious, we were just finding the joy in the small things. Just like Jack wanted.

"And what about us physically?" Jack asked, his expression turning more serious again.

I furrowed my brows, waiting for him to elaborate.

"I mean... we haven't exactly been ready, but we can't avoid it," he continued. "We need to figure out what we're comfortable with and take it one step at a time."

"We just need to be patient with each other," I nodded.

"Patience has never been our strongest suit, has it?" He laughed loudly.

"We'll get there."