Tricky Teen Girl: A Whisper of Peace [Ramadan Story]

Do you worship Ramadan or Allah?

Ramadan passes by too fast. I've gotten on track, fallen off and am in the process of going on track again when Mama announces, "Tonight is the first odd night of Ramadan!" We all look at her. There is no immediate response because this is the time of the pre-dawn meal. Even after twenty days of fasting, everyone is slow at this time. Bleary eyes look at Mama and mouths stop mid-chew while her announcement sinks in.
"That's the...." Jasir's voice trails off while his thoughts catch up to his speech. "That's the night when we all stay up all night and Inaya cries because she has to speed-read the Quran to finish it before Ramadan ends?"
I'm too sleepy to react. While it's true that I usually go on a Quran-reciting marathon in the end of Ramadan, especially on the odd nights, I don't cry. I just, ah, get emotional, that's how I put it. I settle for pulling a face at Jasir instead of saying anything.
"You're forgetting that you're going to finish the Quran this Ramadan, too," Leena points out.
"I'm listening to it," Jasir says, looking down at his food as if it contains the secrets of the universe. "My reading speed is too slow."
"No excuses! Finish up, finish up!" Papa gets up with his empty bowl in hand and issues commandments on his way to the kitchen sink. "Finish your food!"
"Er, we're talking about finishing reading the Quran, not our food," Leena says.
"Just finish it," Papa says, moving off towards the master bedroom.
"Just do it, do it," Jasir says, bopping his head back and forth.
"You're alert for this time of day," Mama says. "It seems you are awake enough to clean up your room!"
"No, didn't I say how sleepy I was?" Jasir stretches and mock-yawns loudly, covering his open mouth with his hand. "I'm going straight to bed. You people didn't let me go the automatic route today. You had to drag me to the dining table. Now I'm all tired out!"
"Catch up on your sleep," Mama says. "You'll need to be alert for tonight."
I'm depending on coffee to keep me up tonight. I close myself up in my room to think. Have I listened to enough things? Read enough? Learned enough? Leena is almost done with her recitation of the Quran. Jasir is listening his way through. Mama and Papa are pros at it by now. That leaves me. Little old me stuck halfway through, though I don't think I should be using the word "stuck" for reading Quran. It does feel that way, regardless. It's a long Surah, and every time I read a few ayahs, I'm distracted by something, so the next time I open the Quran it's the same Surah, and now I'm beginning to be afraid of it, as if it's a challenge that will never be over.
Should I be thinking of the Quran as a challenge? As a finish line to cross? A tick on my Ramadan Legacy app? What do I really want from the odd nights? I mentally flip my way through what I can recall of all the Ramadan reminders that have come my way this year. It's a blur.
One thing stands out. The power of dua. Supplication to Allah. I wonder what supplication is grand enough for such an occasion. I go out of my room in search of Leena, but find Mama taping up a sign to the living room wall instead. It has an Arabic dua on it.
"What does it mean?" I ask.
"'O Allah! Verily, You are the Oft-Pardoning, You love to pardon, so pardon me'." Mama turns around to face me. "You should recite this supplication all night."
"All night?" My eyes widen in surprise.
"With heart," Leena's voice comes from behind us, and we turn around to face her as she comes into the room. "Recite it with feeling. With every ounce of emotion you have. To do that, you have to repeat it, it's not a one-shot thing, you know? So go back to it all night, whenever you remember."
"Good girl." Mama smiles at her.
"What about me?" I frown a little.
"Good girls," Mama says, emphasizing the plural "s".
"What about me?" Jasir's voice comes from his room.
"Good girls!" Mama says again. Leena and I laugh a little.
"Hey!" Jasir's indignation is evident in his voice. "Do I look like a girl to you?"
"Alright, alright." Mama goes toward the master bedroom. "Good boy, good girls, good chair, good wall, good every one and every thing!"
When I am alone again, I feel anxious. This is the reason why I feel nervousness mixed with my excitement for Ramadan, because it feels like I have to "perform". Leena always reminds me that it's not a contest in which I have to score. I don't have to beat anyone. No result list is going to go on the notice board at the end of Ramadan. It's just me and my self, improved or unchanged, going out of Ramadan and back into routine life. All of that is true, but it leaves me wondering whether or not my name has gone on the list of people who have been forgiven this Ramadan.
There's only one thing to do then.
I go to my bookshelf and reach for a book.
***
Hope your odd nights of Ramadan go well! If you liked this chapter, please vote!