Loving Cassie

I'm Movin' On

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Cassie

"How'd you come up with Walker's name?" Ward asked me later that night. It was nearly three in the morning and while we'd had a blast the last few hours, we didn't seem to be tired. Now we were laying in our beds facing one another, talking. It was by far the most intimate moments we'd ever experienced. We'd been close in space before, having sat thigh to thigh on my love seat, but this felt like something more. The gap between us was the length of a normal night stand but it felt like we were only inches apart. I could still see him under the glow of the bathroom night and I was thankful that Uncle Irv had insisted everyone have one. I could see the outline of his well formed body, even under the black undershirt he wore. It occurred to me that I'd never seen a man well formed by physical labor up close. Dalton had been my first and last boyfriend, and the only man I'd ever been intimate with. He was in decent shape, but that was something he could attribute to good genetics, not hard labor. I was slightly tongue tied at the sight, but somehow managed to answer.

"It's actually Dad's doing. He used to tell me stories about him and my mother all the time and one of them was about her first pregnancy. Mama had a hard time carrying past the first trimester. Anyway, when she first found out she was expecting, she had a dream where she was running around yelling for a little boy named Walker. After she told Dad, they decided that if the baby the were having was a little boy, he'd be called Walker. Unfortunately that didn't happen; Mama's first two babies went to the angels and the last two were girls." I sighed before flipping on to my back, "Dalton and I waited to find out gender until the very end but I knew that if it was a boy, he'd be named Walker David." He didn't respond right away and I wondered if he had fallen asleep, but allowed a few minutes of cicada music to hang between us. I felt a level of contentedness that I'd never experienced with anyone before. 

"Would you ever want any more kids?" His question wasn't completely off topic, but it did manage to catch me off guard. I didn't have to think about my answer too long. 

"Of course. I always dreamed of a big family. At least two kids, but ideally I'd like three to four." I knew I probably sounded like one of those baby-crazy women, but I had always pictured myself with multiple little ones running around the house. "How about you? I mean, do you want kids at all? Or even to get married?" I gnawed my lip as I waited, though I didn't want to admit why I was so anxious to hear his response.

"I would like a decent sized family. I grew up an only child and ended up being raised by my grandparents, so I would definitely like more than one child. As for getting married, I was actually engaged once but it didn't work out. Her attention also had a tendency to stray.  To add even more fuel to the fire, she had no intentions of having children and didn't let me know until after I'd put the ring on her finger."  This came a huge surprise. How in their right mind would want another man's attentions when she had Ward? Or to give him children? Watching him with my Walker was enough to melt my ovaries. 

"I'm sorry." The lie spilled from my lips and I didn't have the sense to feel guilty about it. I wasn't sorry. It was her loss and she would surely regret it one day.

It could be your gain. A little voice in the back of my head taunted. If I had half a brain I'd listen and jump on the Ward wagon as soon as possible. But, it seemed I didn't have half a brain. I was too worried about what would happen if we did manage to get together and then split. How confusing that would be for my little guy. But, I knew it was all a ruse. Walker would be okay. I was using him as an excuse not to get hurt again. And deep down, I knew that I would lose my heart this time, and I wouldn't recover from that. I could already feel myself at the edge and no matter how hard I dug in my heels, I couldn't stop it. It was like I was standing just at the lip and I could see my toes hanging over. Part of me wanted to jump head first but the other half was begging me to take ten steps back and run as far away as possible. 

"I'm not. Wasn't meant to happen and I've got better things goin' for me." His tone deepened and shivers danced like cold fingers up my spine. The springs in his bed shifted and I was struck with the vision of his tall muscled body squirming on the tiny twin mattress. Oh his thick muscles bunching as he moved around and the way his body would tighten as he sat or flexed. 

"Like what?" My mouth was dry causing my voice to come out as a choked whisper. No matter how much I tried, I couldn't wet it and I knew nothing but the taste of Ward would cure my cotton mouth. 

"Well," He began, and the hiss of cloth was like music to my ears. He was moving closer. The air grew thick with a tension I was only slightly unfamiliar with. "I met someone who seems to consume my every thought. Her laugh drives me to distraction. " He paused and I thought the silence would kill me. "Her smile steals the oxygen from my lungs. " Hardwood creaked under sudden weight and my bed shifted as something pressed against it. I could feel every inch of him despite the fact that we weren't touching at all. 

"Ward." His name was a prayer falling from my lips and I'm not sure what I'm asking for. Heat floods my body when he leans closer and my breath catches in my throat. My pulse dances under my skin, goosebumps race across my body. Still, he's not touching me, but my body reacts knowing he so close yet so far. Finally, the heat consumes me and his lips press mine, stealing the air I breathe. Parts of my body come alive that haven't ever been awake before. I keep my hands flat, conscious of the fact that moving would ignite a fire deep within me that wouldn't be put out in a child friendly manner. His mouth begins to move against mine and I'm struck by the sensation. It takes a second for me to begin to kiss back, but once I do, I know it's a lost cause.

I've jumped head first and won't be looking back.  

* * * * *

Sunlight breaks through my curtain of darkness and I lurch forward when it occurs to me that Walker hasn't woken me for his 9 AM feeding. Groggily, I search the playpen, the floor surrounding it and listen for the rumble of water to alert me that Ward has him in the sink. There's no note on the bed and his bottle is gone.  My heart lurches. What if Dalton took him? With no regard for anything but the safety of my baby, I rush out of the bedroom and down the stairs into the open kitchen where most of my hung over relatives stare at me in shock. My eyes skirt over everyone in the room and settle on my Walker, who is perched on Ward's lap gobbling up some orange goop from a baby food jar. Daddy and Uncle Irv stand at the far end of the table serving up helpings of eggs and bacon seeming unconcerned with my dramatic entrance. 

"Mornin', baby. Didn't think you'd sleep that late." Dad's voice breaks through my frozen state. 

"Uh, morning." I'm struck dumb by Ward's actions. I vaguely remember the sensation of lips across my forehead this morning and his voice letting me know he's takin' little man down for food. I suddenly feel stupid for freaking out. Of course Ward would take care of things, he's been doing it for weeks now. Helping change diapers, dealing with feedings, helping with stuff around the house. I wonder if this is what it's like to finally have a partner, someone who not only feels the joy I do when I see my child grow and triumph, but also shoulders the responsibilities with me. A feeling swells in my chest and I can't describe it -- it overflows causing a silent sob to escape. 

Ward seems to fill every crack and void in our lives.