in bloom.

3 - where he [first] got hit

My life didn't start to get weird until Jaime and I were about fifteen. I mean, he was generally a weird kid, so my life was full of strange surprise adventures when he felt bored. I was often dragged around to do a bunch of weird shit, some of them probably illegal so I'm not going to disclose that just yet. But when we turned fifteen, Jaime got a little sadder. I got a little sadder. We were kicked out of the fantasy world we'd created for ourselves and ended up in reality. And our reality sucked.

At that time, I was sort of fighting with my parents about the extracurricular things I was doing. I mean, thinking on it now, I can't fully be mad at them for what they did. They were successful black people who just wanted a successful black son. It made sense. But back then, I hated it. I hated all the soccer practices and piano lessons and tutoring and never being able to show any kind of emotion in front of the people who were supposed to love me. In fact, I wasn't ever sure what I was interested in aside from the things they made me do. I was whatever they wanted me to be.

Jaime, on the other hand, was just sad in general. He never really told me what was wrong when he got that way, but whenever he did get that way, damn. He went real deep.

There's one day in particular that I remember he went off the deep end. We were walking around my neighbourhood aimlessly. It was sometime in fall, and all Jaime had on was a tee shirt even though the wind was nipping a bit, but I couldn't ask him if he was okay. We had an unspoken rule that when he was in the dark, it was best to leave him there until he wanted to come out.

"My mom said she met this guy," he said after a long while, which came as a surprise to me. "Jake or John or whatever the fuck. She said she's been seeing him for three months. Three whole months, and now she's telling me about it. Can you believe that shit? Can you believe that?"

I couldn't believe it. One, that Jaime was telling me in the first place, and two, because I had a bit of a crush on his mom. I couldn't help it. She was young and real pretty and hugged me anytime I came by. I never had a kiss on my forehead since I was a baby, but Ines never failed to do so whenever I came into her home and when I left. Plus, there was a sort of love that she gave out that I'd never witnessed before. I don't know. She was just real special to me, alright?

"Maybe she just wants to be happy," I said but regretted it immediately after.

I didn't choose my words carefully. The look on Jaime's face proved it. "But she is happy. She's always happy. It's always just been us. I used to be mad because we were walking Mexican stereotypes. Young single mom and a kid from a teen pregnancy? Come on. But we've been through so much without my dad. She's done so much without a man in her life. So why is she doing this now? She's doesn't need him. We don't need him. Why is she doing this to me now?"

Jaime took his mother and his heritage very seriously, so I knew it wasn't my place to speak. Besides, it was the most I've heard him talk about things like that and I didn't want to ruin it for him. I just listened and let him ramble on like I always did.

"He's white," he said, slow and steady like he was trying to make himself believe it or something. "And he's loaded. I'm a little embarrassed about that. I don't know why. I don't know. You don't think that's why she's dating him, right?"

I shook my head so quick my brain rattled against my skull. "Ines would never do that," I said, and to be honest, I felt a little disgusted that he'd suggest such a thing.

A small sound escaped from his throat, something that made him seem smaller than he actually was. I looked over at him, and he had a weird look on his face like he was about to cry even though his cheeks were dry. Any other good friend probably would've comforted him. But seeing him looking all weak like that made me feel a little pissed. I don't know.

"She told me he wanted to take us out on a trip. One small weekend, she said. I told her I'd rather chew on my own balls. She told me not to speak like that, so I told her not to fuck someone for money. Then she slapped me."

That was something I was sure Ines would never do, but I didn't tell him that. I couldn't. Judging from the hurt look on his face, I knew he would never be able to lie about something like that.

Look, I'm not sitting here to tell you Jaime was an abused child and that's why he did what he did. This isn't what it is. Fact is, sometimes Jaime has this special power where he could push you over the edge without lifting a damn finger. He could make you do things that you'd never dream of even before you realize you're doing it. So yeah, although it surprised me that Ines raised a hand on her darling boy, I got it. I really did.

We didn't say anything after that. We couldn't. We just kept walking and walking until Mother called me to come back home. Then we went our separate ways. I never asked if he was okay because I didn't need to. He didn't ask what I thought because he didn't care. Things that were too hard were meant to be left untouched—that was our unspoken rule, and we abided by it. Even while he was taking his last breaths.