How to Write Stories People Will Love

Question 91: Signs of intimacy

-p-y-r- asks:  Can you write up a guide to all the little romantic gestures you can have your characters do? What are some specific intimate things that people overlook that can add personality to your story?

I don't think I'll be able to list all the things romantic characters might do (that's like a whole book by itself), but hopefully what I talk about here will spark other ideas for you.

If you're looking for a list of romantic gestures one might find on a date, then I suggest searching the internet for dating ideas and tips. Lots of stuff there. What I want to talk about goes deeper than bringing flowers or holding hands. I'd like to start with a distinction between romance and intimacy.

Romance

Romance is all about things one does to woo another, to convince the other that they are worthy of a relationship. It has its roots in historic courtship when suitors had to perform certain gestures (I mean acts, not hand gestures) to prove their spousal suitability. All of it is, in essence, a show. An internet search for "romantic gestures" will give you lots of great ideas for your story.

Intimacy

Intimacy, on the other hand, is all about closeness. It's not just physical intimacy where clothes become optional. It's also emotional intimacy, when you let someone through your defensive walls. You let this person see "the real you". You no longer feel like you have to put up the same front that you show everyone else. You're unafraid to be vulnerable. You share things with each other that you don't share with anyone else. You know things about each other that few others know. Intimacy is at the core of a true relationship.

Here are several examples that demonstrate intimacy:

- The couple whispers to each other, not bothering to share what they said with the group.

- They giggle at private jokes with each other.

- One automatically reaches out to the other for a reassuring touch when bad news is delivered.

- They never have to ask how the other likes their coffee. They automatically know, "Cream, no sugar," for example.

- There's no hesitation to share accomplishments, failures, or other kinds of news with the partner.

- Brushing the partner's shoulder, back, or hand while walking past.

- Comfortably passing gas, while definitely not romantic, is a sign of intimacy because no one is judging. Same goes for any other gross bodily function, like vomiting or pooping. When one is comfortable enough to do embarrassing things in front of the partner, that is intimacy.

Think of the personal boundaries that your character has. Maybe they don't like anyone touching their axe, or they never help anyone with their homework, or they avoid talking about home life. When a certain level of intimacy is achieved, this can be demonstrated by the character making exceptions to their personal boundaries. They allow the special person to touch the axe, or help with homework, or discuss the scary living arrangements at home.

Intimacy doesn't even have to be romantic. It's just often an important component of it.