All Things Nice » Band of Brothers

86: Uncertainty

When the war finally ended Posey wasn't ready to leave England just yet. Even with Mrs. Daniels' blessing for her and John to go and live with her in Boston, there was something tethering her to London.

Part of it was that she wasn't willing to let go of the dream of it just yet; she'd spent her whole war trying to get back to England, and though there wasn't much of a place for her there anymore she still didn't want to let go. An even bigger part of it was that she was scared. She found herself standing on the doorstep of a new phase of her life, ready to ring the doorbell and walk into the unknown, and she wasn't sure she was ready to do that again. Change had wrought such sorrow on her life that even in a warless world she was afraid.

Posey was a person who lost things, and, though in a lot of ways she already had, she wasn't willing to lose home just yet.

VE Day passed and then came VJ Day - Posey hadn't even considered that the men of Easy might have been sent over to the Pacific to fight in that war, but her worries about them came just delayed enough that she didn't have to fret for long. Then came her twenty-first birthday and then came Christmas. It was the loneliest Christmas Posey had ever had. She had John, yes, and John had her, and the pair of them had another dingy hotel room they were using government benefits to pay for, and it was hollow. They exchanged gifts and faked smiles and John went for a walk in a nearby park whilst Posey sat and looked out of the window.

She had overstayed her welcome in England. Now, finally, she knew it was time to go.

By the time the new year rolled around they had booked tickets for a ship that would take them to New York, and from there they would take a train to Boston.

When the second of January arrived Posey was desperate to get out. It was a difficult day for her - a whole year since she'd left Easy - and she'd never wanted to be in America more.

But even so she didn't know that she'd ever see any of the men from Easy again, didn't know that she had the nerve. She was a different person now to who she'd been when they'd known her and probably they were too.

She didn't know that she'd ever see Bill again, either, as much as she'd loved him. And who was to say they'd still be in love if they ever met again, anyway? Maybe once upon a time they were meant to be but maybe soulmates were a different entity in wartime, easier to come by and easier to lose, once held close and then gone forever. The threads of people's lives were so intimately interwoven during war that perhaps it was simply easier to connect with someone like that, to feel that they shared half of your heart because you were going through the same things. But lives diverged and so did hearts and maybe they simply weren't meant to be anymore.

Bill had been the person she'd needed during some of the most difficult hours of her life, had been meant for her back then. But maybe he wasn't made for her. Maybe their time had passed.

When she boarded the boat to America, Posey felt empty. Already she missed the safety and comfort of the hotel room. She didn't like to be surrounded by so many people, being jostled on all sides by elbows and luggage as other passengers made their way on board.

But, she tried to remind herself, when the trip was over she'd be back in her bedroom at Mrs. Daniels' house which had been kept exactly as she'd left it, apparently. And there would be comfort there, and privacy and safety and nostalgia. Memories. Posey didn't know that she was ready to face those memories just yet but at least she had a lot of travelling to do until then.

She stood out on the deck with John and waited while the crowds died down, watching the sun rise and feeling the breeze ruffling her hair. It was long again now and reached just below her shoulders. She spent a lot of time styling her hair these days, determined not to take it for granted again, and she had the front strands rolled back and secured with the pale blue piece of ribbon John had used to wrap her Christmas present; the present had been perfume, a start to building up her belongings. She was only just now beginning to feel like a girl again, even though she'd been wearing dresses and growing out her hair for over a year, but she'd been a boy for longer than that and the habit was hard to break.