Inconsolable » Squid [Holes]

26: White Flag

"Y'should've le' me stab 'im," Mouse grumbled. She eased out a breath-it was shaky but much less than before-and brushed a hand by her eye. Squid noted the reemergence of her southern accent which had been tucked away so carefully over the years.

They sat behind the Wreck Room, backs resting against the wooden wall, sitting shoulder to shoulder, staring out at the vast expanse of desert ahead of them. In the distance, beneath the murky haze of dust, piles of dirt poked upwards, scraping against the underbelly of the slow purpling sky.

He watched out the corner of his eye as her hands came down to her stomach, drumming her fingers. It was the most she'd spoken since she finished unloading the truck.

The tension broke apart when kitchen staff showed up. Squid had to yank Zigzag away from Eagle before he found a way to rip off Eagle's head and shove it where the sun didn't shine (not that he didn't deserve it).

Mouse's attempts at an explanation fell on deaf ears; the staff couldn't care less about what the campers got up to as long as no one got seriously injured. Or died. Rather than continuing the drama, they waved Mouse away and relieved her of dinner duty. Eagle, still smirking, went back inside to work.

It wasn't much but it was better than nothing. So Squid took her away, finding as much space as possible to let her calm down. Surprisingly, a big empty stretch of desert could be smothering.

"Y'really think you woulda done it?" Squid asked.

She nodded. "Yeah." He hummed at her conviction. His Mickey wouldn't hurt a fly; in fact, she'd apologize for being in its way. Seconds passed. Her nose wrinkled, and her mouth twisted to the side. "Maybe." Her puckered eyebrows eased, she sighed, and her chin dropping to her chest beneath his weighted silence. "I wanted to," she mumbled.

"I know."

She snorted, giving her head a flick, shifting her hair behind her shoulders and shook her head. "No, you don't."

"Yeah I do." Squid turned his head, taking in her clenched jaw and steel-eyed gaze pinned to the horizon. Gone was the baby faced, wide-eyed, naïve veneer that had been carefully applied and molded beneath her mother's watchful eye. Simmering fury stared back at him; mirrors weren't allowed at camp, but he knew it was the same dormant anger sitting beneath the surface in him.

Wanting to hurt everyone else because the world hurt him first?

Yeah, he got it. He really got it.

"God! Why now?" Her hands unfurled from around her lifted knees and landed against the dirt with a muted thud. "I'm, like, six hundred miles away from Brett and yet he's still here. He's still messin' with me. He says hi, by the way." She let out a bitter laugh; the serrated edge cut him, made him wince. "That was th' message Eagle passed on, if ya wanna know why I tried t' hurt 'im. That Brett says fucking hi! Like...like I'm on some sorta vacation 'r somethin'!"

Her bitter chuckle turned into an almost hysterical laugh. "I...I can't get away from 'im! I'll never get away from 'im! He's...he's always gonna be breathin' down my neck." She looked at him; he gazed back into her blazing rage. "D'you even know the worst part?" He wasn't given time to answer. "The worst part is that I was actually startin' t' kinda like it here." He made a face and she nodded rapidly. "Yeah, I know! Sounds crazy, but I was! Up until Eagle and...and this. Because I didn't haveta think about takin' a different route to get from here t'my hole. Because I could see anyone coming from any direction; I didn' haveta look over my shoulder." She jabbed her finger at her temple as she spoke. "I didn't haveta think about how I'm talkin' t'someone, wondering if I somehow led them on. And this? This thing?" She grabbed the arms of her tied-up jumpsuit and gave them a shake. "This jumpsuit? I actually like it! I like that it's big 'n' baggy. I like that no one can see my body without my say so. And I like that it doesn' take me two fucking hours t'figure out what I'm gonna wear so I don' put out some signal that I'm askin' for it." Her finger quotes were so ferocious she could have clawed holes into the sky. "And now, all the way out here, he still won' leave me alone." Lips pressed together, a growl rolled in her chest. She blew out a breath, her chest deflating while her head tipped backwards, and she closed her eyes. "You should've let me stab 'im."