Chapter one: When flowers shed tears

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I was too late. Too damn late. 


She's dead now- my grandmother. I can't help but to romanticize the flowers. Large obnoxious assortments of red roses and calla lilies that you have to kind of tiptoe around. A few seemed to already shed tears with everyone, their petals on the ground.

It's the only thing that's distracting me long enough to ignore the still body in the room.

I don't know who that woman is in the casket a few feet from me. My grandmother had warm beautiful skin. The woman I knew wasn't frail. Her presence was mighty and demanded attention.

It has been years since I've spent a summer on her Florida estate. I would run barefoot, and eat oatmeal with berries picked from her garden. She would yell at me to finish my bowl. 

My Grann has never been limp a day in her life.

When it's my turn to hold her hand and to say goodbye- her hands are too hardened and cold. She's gone for good. Even the gold necklace she wore all the days of my life around her neck was was different. My hands found themselves clutching the green pendant, rubbing my thumb over it gently. The material of plastic instead of what's supposed to be stone.

What the fuck?

"Judeline!"I turn to see my dad waving me over to take another photo breaking me from the thought. This whole event was being treated as if it's a family reunion. Lots of hugs and smiles, but I can barely muster up the energy to do either.

The church is beautiful, and family I don't remember came all the way up from Haiti just to pay their respects.  Everyone can't help but mention how much I've grown to look just like my mother. My aunts touch and kiss my face. They talk about how I've turned into a woman. They mention how much my mother misses me and I pose for photos I know I will never see.

Everything is felt in everything for me. Everyone in that humid sweaty church was moving and talking. Hugging and laughing. This was the worst type of movie. I promise I didn't purchase  a ticket, but yet I'm here watching all the scenes. Rain beat down  on the stained church windows. My younger cousins played tag through the seats completely unfazed. 

Everyone is moving, and I'm still here. The problem is that  I didn't know where else to be, except for right here in this wooden chair.

Sometimes, I hoped one day I could possibly sink to the earth's crust and maybe turn to dust. But then there was a part of me that, believed, from my rotted body I'd spread like a seed in the wind and eventually grow in a field for a child to pluck me from the earth to give to his mother.




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