A Rainy Day [COMPLETE]

Chapter 40

"Is it a boy or a girl?" Both of us are sitting in one of the break rooms with large towels draped over our shoulders. Concern floods my soul like crashing waves of unease, prying into the depths of my body.

"I don't know," she responds, guilt-ridden. Hate growls through her dull eyes, barely able to take the risk of looking my way as I try to understand what thoughts are crossing her mind. Part of me is convinced that the harshness circling her is a punishment for her past. "My parents were the ones who chose to give the baby away to a foster family who was willing to adopt. No one told me the gender... even when I asked." 

My mind jumps circles around her sentences. A heavy weight feels like it's hanging around my neck, dipping my heart into an abyss of endless guilt. She was probably meaning to tell me the truth, but I just packed my bags and left. I abandoned her. I deserted her with the responsibility of a living, breathing, human being.

"Don't blame yourself, Luke. You didn't know." She reads the language in my body so fast it chills me to the bone.

"I should've known," I rebuttal, clenching my fists.

"But you didn't and that was my fault," she finishes, leaving me speechless. "I didn't tell you then when you needed to know, and I wasn't planning on telling you now, even though you deserved it."

Realization spins my head straight as my clouded judgment disperses. I look at her, sincerely begging for nothing short of honesty through the stern break in my stare. "Were you even planning on telling me?" I question her, waiting for an answer only half of me wants to hear. 

She takes a breath, still refusing to look me in the eye. Her shoulders relax, allowing the towel to drape beside her in folds. My heart sinks past the abyss from before and into a black hole. "No, I wasn't."

Anger rises like flames before I can douse the fire brewing inside. My anger suddenly turns into distrust and betrayal as her words strike down every supportive thought in my mind. "What?" I feel myself spinning out of control. A small voice inside tries to convince me that staying calm will benefit me for the better but I choose to screw it. If she didn't want to tell me back then, fine, that was her choice, but to coincidentally run into me again and get back into a relationship, just to screw with my head makes the fire burn so much more. "Why wouldn't you tell me something like that?!"

"Because I was scared!" she raises her voice back at me. The faintest flicker of angst shines through her eyes as every piece of my heart shatters like crumbled fragments of a mirror. My mind retreats after catching her reaction as I rest my hand on my mouth. The surrealness hits me like an oncoming train with no sense of direction or end destination.

This isn't real. There's no chance. This can't be real. My heart is hammering back and forth like a mallet to a gong and the thoughts I planned to keep in a contained state are rushing to every corner of my trapped mind. A second is all it takes for the room to turn inside out and become drenched in dead silence. Not a sound comes from either of us.

" I understand if you're upset. I would be too," she utters softly.

"I'm not upset." I breathe. I try my best to relax. "I'm just..." My nerves shock me, wanting the anger to come out again, but I refuse, "...I'm shocked. To think, I had a kid without knowing it. To think, I have a kid." My mind quickly turns back to a different idea as my eyes jump to hers. "Have you ever tried finding the family?"

I can already tell her answer won't satisfy my needs from the crease between her brows. "A few times. Just because I wasn't told the gender, didn't mean I cared any less about the baby. Believe me, I wanted to find them, but after looking for a couple of hours every day after the birth with no connections, I came up empty-handed. My parents caught me in the act and told me it was useless since they had already moved out of the state." Her hands grasp the towel as her eyes flicker to the ground, terrified to mention what comes next. I can sense the fear, anxiety, stress, and anguish emitting from her thoughts as she squeezes her eyes shut. Her shoulders relax as her gaze falls back on me, laced with regret and absolute discouragement. "So I gave up trying."

I stare at her. She looks at me. Our contact doesn't falter for a second.

"Danni, promise me something." Her interest peaks with the lift of her brows. I take her hands into mine before bringing them to my face. The softness of her skin presses against my lips as I soak in her essence, pouring everything into the gentleness of the moment. Every smell, breath, and sound flows through me as I take a second to gather myself. "Promise you'll never lie to me again." A slight pause helps me attract her complete focus as she stares in my direction. "I want to know everything that happened after I left. I know it won't be easy, and I'm not expecting you to tell me everything right now, but at some point, rather sooner than later, I need to know." 

Her mouth is half open, not ready to give in to her secrets. My thumb rubs over the top of her hand, hoping it will help her along. Hoping it will help her understand that being vulnerable is not just okay right now but desperately needed. "Everything?" she asks.

"Everything."