All in my Mind

XXIX.

I'm running out of things to distract you with. If I focus on what's happening infront of me, I won't be able to handle it, but the only other thing I have left to disseminate is the fact that I became an indescribable piece of shit to be around... and also the fire. Maybe that's an appropriate parallel, because right now everything feels like it's on fire and I'm certainly a piece of shit.

"Alex," O'Conner said gently. I was in her office again. I don't know exactly what happened to get me there, but I was there. It was late in the day. I'd slept for a really long time I think, and then they'd woken me up. Nurse Taylor herself might have escorted me there. I was unsure.

Everything was so odd. Existence was fuzzy. I was definitely hiding from a consciousness I didn't want. The self awareness was killing me like it was a real and physical wound open in my gut.

"Please don't," I said, and I don't know exactly what I was even begging for.

"I need to talk to you about something serious," she said.

I was sitting on the floor infront of her desk. It had seemed like the safest place when I walked in, but now I kind of wished I was laying down. I thought laying down would help me process things maybe. It could remove some of the distractions. At the moment I was finding a lot of things distracting.

That flower pot on her coffee table was finally starting to droop. It was still very much alive, but somehow muted. Maybe she'd forgotten to water it? Should I have reminded her? I also noticed that it was a practical war zone outside her window. The rain was pelting down viscously. There was wind whipping it around so that heavy drops hit the window in splatters.

"Please," I mumbled again.

"I'm afraid it can't wait," O'Conner said gently.

I could feel her eyes on me. The pity was practically leaking from her pores across the table in my direction. She had been sitting in her chair, but when I sat on the floor, she'd settled down on the carpet to be at my level. I should have appreciated things like that from her more. What was wrong with me that I'd chose to be so problematic when someone like her existed?

They didn't think I knew, which wasn't their fault. I was delirious when it was all happening. I'd spent some amount of time convincing myself it was a fever dream. Nothing else happening made sense anyways. I was literally snuggling my dead dog.

Instead of responding, I fixed my gaze on the flower pot on the table and awaited her confirmation.

"Something happened last night," O'Conner relented to say. "And I think it will be hard for you to hear Alex, so I just want to remind you that it's okay. You can be upset afterwards. We want to support you through that."

"She's lying. They want to control you."

"They drugged you last night and now they want to play mind games."

The thoughts made my insides twist.

You might think that the way O'Conner went about this is poor, but I think you'd be wrong. O'Conner knew me. She knew how things worked in my head. Sugarcoating? Vagueness? Gentle evasions? I couldn't handle any of that. She needed to be direct. She needed to just be blunt with me.

"Lily died last night," she told me softly.

For a moment I couldn't breath. It was sudden and sharp. The air just stalled in my throat. Then I swallowed. I blinked at the plant. It seemed to be dropping more like it was decaying before my very eyes.

"How?" I asked in almost a whisper.

"Can you look at me, Alex?" She requested.

"No," I answered. "Tell me how."