Face The Music

Impossible

I had no idea what to do with my emotions. Literally, all I could do was cry. I'd just given birth in my bathtub at home, rushed to the hospital, and now my baby was deaf? How could this happen? How could any of this be real?

"But you're sure?" my mom asked my aunt.

She was next to me, sitting down with her arm around me as I cried into her shoulder. Hudson was on the other side of the room, crying in his mom's arms while they stood over the bassinet Mia was laying in, snoozing away.

"Zale, I did the test three times. There's three results: pass, refer to a specialist, and fail. She failed all three times. She can't hear anything at all," my aunt said. "She can still see an audiologist and be evaluated for cochlear implants. I don't know if she'll qualify, but you'll have to see what the audiologist says."

"Mia! Mia!" Hudson said over the bassinet. He clapped his hands a few times. Mia was unbothered, still snoozing. "Please, babygirl. You can't be deaf!"

"I knew something was wrong, I knew it for months," I said, grabbing a tissue from the box next to me and wiping my tears. "What if that doctor was right and I should've actually aborted her? What kind of quality of life is she gonna have if she can't hear anything?"

"Deni, don't even start with that!" my mom said. She sat me up and put her hands on my shoulders. "She's part of our family and part of Hudson's family. We will give her the best life that we can."

The nurses thought it would be best for Mia to go down to the nursery so we could get some rest and take anything in. They brought in breakfast for me, but I couldn't eat any of it. I was sick to my stomach over this whole thing.

I had my whole birth planned out with my family and friends. I was supposed to labor as long as I could in my super cute silk labor and delivery gown I bought, using a birthing ball until I could get a sweet, sweet epidural. I had a speaker and a playlist ready to go, special lighting, and all of it was going to waste. Nothing was going the way I wanted it to.

Our parents left the room so Hudson and I could have some more time alone. He sat down next to me and held my hand. We were both crying all over again.

"I already thought I could barely do this, and now she can't hear? What the hell are we gonna do?" he asked.

"I don't know why you're asking me. I have no idea," I said, sniffling. "How could this happen to our baby girl?"

"It's not right. It isn't fair."

"I know," I said, sighing. "This just feels...impossible that something like this could happen."

By lunchtime, I was up and walking to and from the bathroom with the help of a few different nurses. They were amazing. I had to wear these super thick pads that felt like diapers because I was bleeding so much, but that was normal, even though it was super gross.

The nurses brought Mia back and showed us how to change her diaper, give her a bath, and give her a bottle. The plan was to keep her on the formula they were starting her with at the hospital. The nurses gave me a few cans to take home since my aunt was a doctor there and they felt bad for me as a teen mom with a deaf baby.

Hudson and I spent the afternoon trying to do skin-to-skin time with Mia. She mostly just slept, only crying when she was hungry or dirty. I hoped she'd be like this when she got home. I'd heard horror stories of parents with newborns that woke up like every hour during the night.

Around four, my mom brought in a visitor for us. I was surprised to see that it was the new nanny. She could've given me a heads up first, since I looked like shit and this was my first time meeting the girl who was going to take care of my baby.

"Hi, I'm Chrys. It's so nice to finally meet you, Denali," she said, shaking my hand.

"Oh, thank goodness you have a nickname. I was really hoping you wouldn't be making me call you Chrysanthemum all the time," I said. "Deni. This is my baby daddy and bestie, Hudson, who's holding Mia."

"Nice to meet you both," she said.

"Ditto. I love your nails," Hudson said.

"Oh, thanks," she said, looking at her perfect, sparkling blue nails. "My mom had me get them done as a special treat for my twentieth birthday."

"I just wanted her to come see Mia before starting her shift in a few weeks," my mom said.

"And you...told her?" I asked.

"It's okay. My niece Daisy actually has Down Syndrome, so a baby that has additional needs doesn't intimidate me," Chrys said.

I smiled. There was something about Chrys that I liked. She had a soft voice and sat up really tall in her chair. I knew that she had twin toddlers, but she didn't look tired at all.

"Well that's good. Mia seems like she's the nap queen so I don't even think you'll be doing that much work," I said.

"That sounds good to me," Chrys said.

We chatted with Chrys for a little while longer, then Natty finally got in around dinnertime. Chrys took it as her cue to leave, and Natty strutted in with to-go boxes from my favorite steakhouse.

"Where's my beautiful surrogate niece?" she asked after she set the bags down. I was giving Mia a bottle. Natty lowered her voice and whispered, "Hello little angel! She's so cute."

"You don't need to whisper," Hudson said.

I watched as Natty's face twisted up in confusion.

"She's deaf," I said, bluntly. I felt like I was completely numb to it at this point.

"You're joking," Natty said.

"I wish," Hudson and I said in unison.

"Please don't ask me anymore questions about it, Natty. I'll tell you more when I'm ready because right now I honestly just can't," I said.

"Okay. Do you want dinner at least?" she asked.

"I've felt too sick to eat all day, so now I'm starving. Hit me with that filet mignon," I said.

"I made sure to have them top it with extra caviar," Natty said, getting everything taken out of the bags.

"That's perfect," I said. I looked down at Mia, who was blinking her brown eyes at me. "I know you can't hear me, but I still think you're perfect, too."