After Eleven: Liv & Callum

Chapter 15

Liv

As the injured party, the scorned wife, the discarded mother - really just pick a label at this point - I've been feeling empowered by this situation. I've always been the kind of person to try to look at different perspectives and find common ground, but my husband cheated on me and now I have carte blanche to express my feelings as they come, in any way that I want. I've been bombarded by waves of humiliation, anger, grief, sadness, love, and despair coming at all sides and no one expects a single thing from me. I don't have to be graceful or kind. I don't have to look put-together. Hell, I think that I could shave my head tomorrow and my sister would just roll with it.

I always figured that if I ever went through something like this, that I would want to psychoanalyze my relationship or my partner, but I couldn't really give less of a shit right now about why Cal thinks he cheated on me. I don't have anything left in the tank for him. Maybe I will later, when it's not as fresh, but that's a problem for myself in the future.

My immediate concerns are Annie and myself. If I can believe Cal, and use the context clue of him coming home in the middle of the day, then he really did quit his job. We have a savings account that we'll be able to split but it won't be enough to maintain two households. I'm glad that I was smart enough to keep clients but I'll need to focus more on growth. Will Cal move out or should I? Do I want to keep this house and the memories that come with it, or should I start somewhere fresh? Will this house feel like a museum of the family that I once had?

I don't know, and it's terrifying. Hence, I have no mental energy left for Cal.

After my outburst this morning, I feel a bit numb towards him. I don't actively wish him harm but I also think that he's an adult who made a series of choices and I don't need to waste my time feeling as sorry for him as I'm sure he feels for himself.

All in all, I don't feel bad about ignoring him after he finally decides that he's done lingering at the front door like a dinner guest ready to leave.

I can hear the door shut as I head to the kitchen to clean up the morning's mess. After another moment of hesitation, he follows me back through the living room. I'm picking up bits of dried homemade playdough from the counter, which gives me a good use for my hands and a convenient excuse for ignoring my husband.

"Quite the morning," is his attempt to break the tension.

"Hmm."

The playdough is now cleaned, so I start the process of storing what we made this morning and pulling out the cleaner and kitchen towel to remove the waxy residue left behind.

"Why don't you let me do that? Since I don't have a job I may as well work here," Cal says, ending on a forced chuckle.

I turn around from the cupboard and I can feel the furrow in my brows. "Why?"

"Um, well, which art do you want to know more about?" he asks. Cal is standing on the other side of the island, hands in his trousers and looking like he's never been here before.

"Why do you want to help? Do you think that it's going to make me less likely to leave you? Because I can promise, cleaning the kitchen is going to do jack shit to tip the scales in your favor."

"I-no! God, Liv. I know that cleaning the kitchen isn't going to mean anything when it comes to us. I've just been...realizing a lot of things lately, "he says. "There's so much that I allowed you to do along when it comes to the family that I-"

"Allowed?" I interrupt. "You didn't allow me to do anything. 'Allow' implies that I asked permission for something and that you granted it. In reality, you've been pulling away from this family for longer than either one of us realized and you left me to make up the difference."

"But it wasn't always like this! I wasn't always like this. I don't know what happened, but maybe-" Cal starts, but I just don't feel like giving him the courtesy of finishing a sentence that I don't want to hear.

"I'm actually not particularly interested in the why of it all right now. You did what countless other men have been doing for years and it's not really interesting. If you want to figure out the specifics of it all? Be my guest. But I'm not here to be your sounding board."

I've been cleaning the counter during our entire exchange, and the aggressive scrubbing has resulted in the counter being the cleanest that I've ever seen it.

"Actually, I think it's a good idea for you to finish the clean up. I'm going to my office," O tell him. Leaving the rag and cleaner where they are, I skirt around the opposite side of the island from Cal and head down the hall.

Petty as it may be, it feels really good to be rude to him and I'm going to lean into it. I've been kind and graceful about so much of this mess and I just don't want to bother with it. I'll be careful that Annie doesn't see it, but I deserve to take some shots at my cheating husband.

As satisfying as it would be, I don't slam the door to my office. My husband sucks but that isn't any reason to waste a good nap time by waking up a toddler. Instead, I sit myself down at the computer, and then immediately get up again. I'm pacing in my small office because I want to go out and scream. Maybe at Cal, maybe not. All I know is that I have all of these feelings and nowhere to put them.

I try sitting down at my desk again but this time I pull out my planner and start a list.

Full financial audit - what's in the accounts and how should it get divided?

Apartments or houses for rent

Divorce lawyer