𝐒𝐩𝐚𝐫𝐤𝐬 ☘︎ 𝐖𝐢𝐥𝐥𝐨𝐰 𝐇𝐚𝐰𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐫𝐧𝐞

𝐌𝐎𝐂𝐊𝐈𝐍𝐆𝐉𝐀𝐘 ☘︎ 8

That night, with an old torch someone got us, we play a game that Prim and I invented one stormy Seam night a few years ago.

Our two families were huddling over at my small, ramshackle house under piles of covers and blankets. Every time a bolt of lightning hit, Posy would scream and cry. That was when Buttercup came to join the proceedings.

It started as a joke. I got a torch and put the beam on the floor for the cat to chase. But it ended up being sort of a game as it got Post distracted and everyone started to have fun with it.

And that's exactly what happens now. The people with beds near ours start to be interested in the cat (as they can't have pets and the only reason we have one is because of my Mockingjay deal), then they start to be interested in the game.

So I sit with the torch in hand, Katniss on one side and Prim on the other, slightly moving the torch every second when Buttercup is close to getting it.

But then... then...

I start to see a similarity between my situation and Buttercup's.

The cat is me. The light is Austin. I am Snow.

When I hold the light within his reach, he's guarding it, aggression in every fur on his face. This is how I've been since I left the arena, with Austin alive.

When I turn off the light, Buttercup's sad at first but moves onto other things eventually. This is, most likely, what would happen if Austin died. Or was killed.

But what drives Buttercup insane, is when I hold the light up on the wall, letting him into the idea of catching it but in fact leaving it very much out of reach. This is what Snow's doing to me now. And I hadn't realised it.

I sigh, putting the torch in Prim's hands and walking out of the circle of people. I see Finnick on his bed nearby, and I decide to go talk to him. Even if Annie's not being broadcasted on live TV, it doesn't mean that she isn't constantly on his mind.

I sit down beside him and say straight on. "Snow's using Annie to punish you. He's taunting us with them. I didn't realise until just now, watching that stupid cat."

He sighs, not looking at me and just to some point in the distance. "After your first games, I thought that your romance with Austin was an act. We all expected you to continue with that strategy, but it wasn't until he hit the force field and his heart stopped that I..."

"That you what?" I ask. I think back to that moment. I had been so worried and I had kissed Austin like never before (well, until the beach).

"That I knew I'd misjudged you," he says softly. "You do love him. I'm not saying in what way, maybe you don't know yourself but... anyone paying attention can see it."

And they can. I've been asked time and time again 'do you love him?' and I do. I really, really do.

But I hate myself for it.

Because if I didn't love him. If I didn't care... then I could let Austin go.

But I can't.

"I've misjudged you, too," I decide to say. "I thought you were just a shallow, Capitol loved, pretty boy. But... you're not. It was just another part of the act."

Finnick looks down as I continue. "I thought you had about five lovers at a time. I thought you loved it. But you didn't, did you? Your heart already belonged to someone."

He doesn't answer as I ask. "How do you cope with it?"

He laughs bitterly. "I don't, Willow! Obviously I don't. I drag myself out of nightmares when there's no relief in waking up but... it's better not to give into it. It takes ten times longer to put yourself together than it does to fall apart."