The Infinite State of Desiderium in a Defective World

Desiderium is not a common word by any stretch of the imagination, and it wasn't until recently that I discovered its existence and meaning. A synonym of the English word "yearning" and deriving from the Latin word , it means simply to "want, desire, wish for; miss, lack, need." Throughout many different stages in my life there has existed in varying degrees an amount of desiderium within my heart and soul that has always centered around the same subject: the deep and constant desire to procure a best friend and soulmate. In the simplest term "The One". There are multitudes of people who do not believe in a such thing as "The One" and in fact to many, the idea is complete nonsense. I am not one of the unbelievers. It is often misinterpreted, however, that this idea means there is only one specific person in this life for each of us. If this were indeed true, the chances for anyone to find that person are incredibly slim to none and if we lived with this belief, we would be dooming ourselves to eternal unhappiness. The idea of "The One" to me, is the person you find that makes you both complete, much like the yin-yang. One cannot be without the other. A mistake I have made several times in the past is selecting a person and christening them "The One" without knowing what they truly felt, and this has never borne any fruit in my experience. Both parties must be of equal recognizance for the idea to come to fruition and succeed. Quite simply put, there is not a single "one" for any of us but two can become each other's "one" through shared events that lead to the building of an unbreakable trust, the forging of a bond of unconditional love, the complete understanding of one another and an undying commitment between the two. This is how somebody becomes "The One" and whereafter there is no other in a perfect world. This world in which we exist is anything but perfect and is in fact exceedingly far from it. So even this idea of "The One" is fallible to a vast degree.

The questions begging to be answered since the world is defective: "Why the desiderium? Why not forget this idea of "The One" and spare oneself grief and unhappiness? Is this really all that important in the grand scheme of things? Is it even worth holding onto such an idea?" If it were so simple as to flip a switch per se and turn off the feelings of yearning, I would in all likelihood flip that switch and be rid of them forever. Unfortunately, life does not grant this ability and it is something that will not dissipate and thus leaves no option other than to be dealt with. I do not understand why I have such a deep desire to find "The One" and I have attempted to carve a path to that destination more times than I care to count with no successes of which to speak. To get there, opportunities are needed and the ones that do arise offer no guarantees of bearing any fruit. For myself, those opportunities are few and far between and the ones that have come my way have often yielded less than the desired outcome. Appearances are everything in our world and by the standards that which we live, I fall far beneath them. This I believe is the chief culprit behind my inability to "get the wheels turning" in order to find a way into the type of relationship I so desperately seek. I believe I am a decent person with a good and unselfish heart but being a multiple amputee, I think, is unsettling to any potential partner and ultimately outweighs any or perhaps all the good qualities I possess. I often wonder about the unspoken thoughts or questions that race through a woman's mind when they sense that I have an interest beyond a platonic friendship. "Can he even take care of himself? I have no interest in being a nanny to a grown man." "He looks too different. What would people think of me if I dated him?" "How could he ever support or protect me? I need those things." "The thought of being physical with someone like that is gross." These are things I imagine any woman would think, not because they mean to be hurtful but rather it is simply human nature to think such way. No woman has ever said or asked questions such as these as most people do not want to say potential hurtful words, but in my mind, I truly believe these are the roadblocks that prevent me from attaining a relationship that moves to a stage beyond friendship.

Over the years, the opportunities that seemed to be worthwhile, I acted upon them, but in every instance, I was either immediately shunned, ghosted after a few conversations or in the rare case I made a friend. Making new friends is always a positive development in this journey of life so long as they are good people and I do not regret the friendships I've formed with some of the women I have encountered. However, I cling to a sliver of hope that just once, a breakthrough will occur and present the chance for a bond beyond a friendship to be formed. For that to take place, a woman has to be willing to take that leap, but that has never come to fruition a single time in my entire life. This could be rectified if perhaps there were more opportunities to be had, but a complication lies within. Being a multiple amputee has severely limited my ability to venture out into the world of my own accord. Since I am unable to drive an automobile, I have to rely on others to get out and about, thus I am constantly operating on the time and schedules of others. People have their own lives and problems, so I cannot expect to be catered to nor do I, but this often leaves me powerless to take matters into my own hands and pursue potential relationships. Upon conversations with many friends and relatives, one alternative method has been brought to my attention on multiple occasions: Online dating. I have read stories of how this approach has in fact yielded positive results for some people, but for the majority it can be quite a daunting and stressful experience. For someone in my position the odds of a breakthrough are even lower and, in my time spent exploring this method nothing has ever materialized.

Failure upon failure. Rejection after rejection. Heartache and a shattered spirit. Remaining confident over the years has been an endless struggle and there has been little to indicate that anything will be different in the future. Pursuing a romantic relationship is terrifying when the only result you've ever known is failure. The question becomes "Why is this so important if it causes so much grief?" It's something that I have asked myself a million times in my mind and I have never arrived at an answer. Turning to God has helped in confronting my doubts and insecurities in a tremendous way, but the yearning to find "The One" never goes away. It's always present, gnawing at my soul and wrenching at my heart. Maybe it is meant for me to travel the road of life as solo act as much as I do not want to believe it, but the more time passes the fear of this truth grows stronger. The sooner I accept it, the better of I'd likely be but something in the depths of soul will not allow me to. I just can't. It goes on forever.