Lean On Me #Wattys2016

Part 27

Mateo

I haven't been able to take my eyes off the door since I walked in here and saw she was nowhere to be found. My stomach is in knots wondering how I'm going to fix this mess now. I finally fell asleep last night around 3am, but she never responded to my texts or called me back. I want to ask why she's not at work, but I don't want to make Jane suspicious.

I'm just finishing my set when Levi rolls in. He is met by one of the other therapists and they have a small conversation I'm too far away to hear what is said and I want to growl in frustration. I don't want to talk to Levi about her because knowing he's thinking of her makes me irate. I hate her name on his tongue. At the same time, not knowing if she is OK is making me insane. I watch Levi set up on his first machine and I casually make my way over to the machine next to his.

"Hey, Levi. What's up?" I sit down and play with the weights.

"Nothing much. I'm cleared for surgery. I hope this one will be the last. How about you? How's your thigh man?" He looks at my leg but of course it's covered. I don't ever leave it out for people to see. I'm not ready for all the questions that will come of it.

"Good. Still really tight, but I feel like it's getting better." I set the weight and push up for my first set. Levi does the same beside me. We don't talk through our set, but when it's time to rest he turns to me.

"How's your head?" He taps his forehead and I think he must be talking about my new wound.

"Oh, that? I hit it yesterday. This leg makes me unsteady." I touch the Band-Aids and feel the bruise beneath.

Levi shakes his head, "I'm not talking about the outside." His voice is monotone and almost ominous. He keeps his eyes on mine and appears to wait for me to understand just what exactly he was talking about. I feel the sweat start to bead on my head. I've made it a long time without anyone questioning what the incident might have done to my mental health. When we were being debriefed before heading back stateside, they made us fill out a bunch of forms and check off a few things on these generic checklists. I must have passed because I was never questioned about it again.

I turn my face away from his and start another set. As my thigh burns, I consider my options. For some reason, I feel myself starting to crumble from the inside. I've tried not to talk about that day, but I'd be lying if I didn't say that it was creeping up on me. My dreams were constantly a perfect sequence of the same events that took place that day. I also find myself staring off into space, thinking about everything from the weather that afternoon to the smell of the blood and burnt flesh. I lose hours of time lost in the memories of that loss.

"You know," Levi says without looking at me as we try to catch our breaths again. "I was recommended a group for trauma survivors when I first came here. I turned it down and was pissed that someone thought I would want to it around and talk about that fucked up day or hear about other peoples' trauma. But then I could get it out of my head, you know? I just couldn't shake it. I've been going for a few weeks now and it helps. I can't say it's going to cure me, but at least I can talk about it with other Marines that know what it's like."

I'm frozen now, looking straight ahead so I don't have to meet his eyes. I know in the Marines we call everyone "brother," but I just can't see talking to a group of wounded men, How are they going to give any shits about what happened to my friend that day? They have their own stuff to work through. "I'll think about it," I tell him and he gives me a tight nod. I push off again and add a few more to this rep. Maybe if I push myself the pain that's currently a low ache in my limb will demand to be heard above everything else in my head.

When we're both done and wiping the sweat off our machines with small towels, Levi stops me before I move on. "The group meets again tomorrow in room 189." He lifts his chin in the direction of the hall outside the front doors. "8am."

"Thanks," I say without committing.

"And she's sick today. They've planned for her to stay home all week." He gives me a knowing look and then wheels himself to his next machine. 

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