Being Ugly

I’m sure the first thing people will think when they read this is that I can’t possibly be ugly. This is a reaction I get from most people if I talk about it on the internet. It’s hard for people to believe that when I walk down the street I get made fun of if I walk by a group of people. I’ve talked about this a lot, because it’s something I feel I need to vent about and usually when I talk about it I hope I can find someone who I can relate this with. I get advice from people telling me that looks don’t matter, and no one cares what someone looks like. I’d like to attach a hidden camera to myself just to prove what I go through on a day to day basis.

I do not have a beautiful face, and because of that people often comment on it. I try my hardest to look good when I go out. I wear nice clothes, I style my hair, sometimes I wear make up. I am also very clean. Yet I get people calling me nasty, or hideous, or ugly. I’ve been getting made fun of since I was 12 years old. I always reassured myself when I was a kid that things would get better once I was an adult. I was very wrong about this. I am 27 years old, and people still make fun of me. At times it feels as if adults who bully me are worse than the ones I encountered in High School. I just wonder when I am going to get a break. Most of the time I am minding my own business, and going for a walk and I have someone yell some rude comment at me. Most people will tell me that this happens because the person is insecure. Well that is not at all reassuring. I don’t like the fact that I am being used to boost someone else’s confidence.

Just the other day, I was in the elevator with my headphones on low. There were these two guys in the elevator. I think they were a little younger than me, or about my age. Well they didn’t seem to realize I could hear them, or maybe they didn’t care. They started to joke around about how ugly I am . The one guy told his friend that he should date me, and his friend said: “Ew, no she is nasty!” and that hurts more than being called ugly. That very day when this encounter happened I had gone to the salon for a bit of makeover. I am on holidays. I work in a factory, so it’s very rare I can pamper myself. So I went and got the works. I got a mani pedi and some highlights and lowlights in my hair. They also gave me a new hairstyle to go with my new look. I was wearing makeup as well. So I was feeling really happy and content after being pampered for a few hours. To hear someone call me ‘nasty’ just because my face isn’t pretty made me feel like crap.

Often when I try to talk to people about what happens to me, they either comment that I need new friends or that I am hanging around the wrong people, or that people know that I think I am ugly. These are not my friends who make fun of me. I do not really have any friends. I am really shy and I live in a new city from where I grew up, so other then my work buddies, I don’t know too many people around here. And it’s never any friend who makes fun of me. It’s random people who walk past me on the street who make a comment, in a store, the elevator, at the bus stop, in my building… etc.

And they can’t possibly read my mind. The day when I got my makeover, I was thinking about a guy I really like and I was feeling happy because I felt pretty. So I don’t get how these guys could have known I think I am ugly. They did it because they were being jerks, and they wanted to get a laugh. Anyway, if that were true, what about the girls who are really skinny and they think they are obese? Wouldn’t they look fat to everyone if people knew they thought that? I know a girl who looks anorexic, and I didn’t know she thought she was fat until she told me. Wouldn’t I have thought she was fat the moment I saw her then? And even after she told me she thought she was fat, I was completely shocked by that.

Anyway, my point is that the logic of that theory does not make sense at all. People do not think I am ugly because I think I am ugly, or because of my bad attitude, or anything like that. People think I am ugly because I am not pretty.

And it’s something I could live with but for other peoples bad attitudes about it. I have a pretty good life. I have a family who love me. I have a good full time job that makes me good money. I was just able to buy a new car. I have a few friends I can go out with sometimes. We aren’t really close, but there are times when we do hang out. I have a nice apartment and two wonderful cats. I work out as much as I can just to stay active and fit. I am pretty much a normal girl, who could be happy if people would stop bugging me about my looks.

I usually try to stay positive and happy. In fact, most people who know me off the computer believe I am a happy-go-lucky girl who is never upset. They are the ones who have taken the time to know me and find out that there is nothing wrong with me. I do not have the plague, and I am a nice girl who will do anything for anyone most of the time.

The reality is, I feel alone most of the time. I have a hard time sleeping at night. I am 27 and I’ve never had a boyfriend, or had sex. It’s not from the lack of trying. I talk to men, I ask them out, I try to date but none of the guys have been interested in dating me. One guy even told me that I was too ugly to date, but I was a nice girl anyway. One time I overheard guys talking about me, saying I’d be a good girlfriend and they wished more girls could be like me… it’s just too bad I’m hideous.

I’m starting to accept I will never be in a relationship, or hold my own child in my arms. I can live with it. If I save enough money I can do what I always wanted to do and travel anyway. That’s not what bothers me too much. It used to when I was younger, but now that I am almost 28 I can live with it. What bothers me is the way people treat me. I go into stores to buy things, I smile and try to make conversation with the cashier but they are always rude to me.  I accidentally touch a guy and he jumped away from me and snarled “Don’t touch me, that’s disgusting!”

All I want is for people to treat me decently and not make fun of me, or to be rude to me anymore. I treat everyone I meet with respect, even those who don’t deserve it. The most I ask is for people to treat me the same way. You don’t have to like me or, be my friend but please don’t make fun of me. Just me live my life the same as every other human on this planet.

(Story I wrote about two years ago about myself, just had to add some updates to it since time has passed since I wrote it. I like this piece, which originally started out in my blog. I feel it captured my feelings about myself the most at the time.)