[ The idea of you ] | Taekook

the idea of you.

"we have to talk
-taehyung"

that was the message jeongguk just received from his boyfriend taehyung and it didn't sound like he was about to hear good news.
he nervously sat on his bed waiting for taehyung to arrive. they didn't live far away from each other so after five more minutes he heard the doorbell ring.

jeongguk went downstairs and opened the door, just to see his boyfriend standing there with a forced smile on his lips. he was nervous, that was pretty obvious.

afraid that something terrible had happened jeongguk rushed to taehyung, giving him a loving hug. "is everything alright, babe?", he asked mumbling in taehyung's sweater.

taehyung cleared his throat, and looked at jeongguk. "let's go inside, shall we?" he took jeongguk's hand and they went into his bedroom and sat down on the bed.

jeongguk looked with concern into taehyung's eyes again. he softly touched his boyfriend's hand and asked again: "what's wrong taehyung, are you alright?"
"is something wrong at home again?", he added with even more concern.

taehyung didn't have a very nice and loving family and it wouldn't be new if something had happened again. "you can spend some more days here if you don't wanna go to them at the moment!" jeongguk said and stroked taehyung's hand.

taehyung shook his head which surprised but also relieved jeongguk a bit.

he sighed. "taehyung, you gotta talk to me if there's anything wrong, i can't look inside of your head."

taehyung's eyes wandered from the floor up to jeongguk's face.

"i don't know... if i'm in love with you."

jeongguk hold his breath for a second. wow. that hurt a lot. he could literally feel his heart break.

taehyung pulled back his hands from jeongguk's. "i don't know if i'm in love with you or the idea of loving you."

jeongguk couldn't find the right words. he didn't understand.

"what... do you mean...?", he asked with a now weak voice.

taehyung hid his face in his hands. "i don't know, i used to be so sure about my feelings towards you. i've been- or i actually still am so stuck on you that i don't know what i'm feeling anymore, it's just unclear."

jeongguk had to try hard to keep his tears inside. he didn't want to lose taehyung. no, he just couldn't lose taehyung! he was all he had left.

"of course it's not love when we don't talk anymore. it's not love when i never meant something to you!", jeongguk now felt the tears in his eyes rolling down his cheeks.

taehyung looked up again."you know, jeongguk, i definitely know i was in love with you. i would squeal over a single text from you, i would look forward to every moment we could spend together, i loved every single thing about you."

that clearly didn't help. "why are you talking in the past, taehyung?", jeongguk asked quietly.

"it was real, jeongguk, i swear to you. it's just not anymore..."

jeongguk now jumped up from his bed which made taehyung quickly look at him.
"why did i even catch these stupid feelings? i should've known, we've never really been real for you.", he loudly threw at taehyung.

"what do you mean, jeongguk, i just told you i don't love you anymore but i've loved you before, i promise you!"

there it was. i don't love you anymore. these words were the last thing jeongguk's heart could take before it completely broke into a million pieces.

"taehyung, it's not love when you don't talk to me anymore. it's not love
when you make me feel like i'm boring you. it's not love when i've always been the only one who's waiting. it's not love when there was no more chance of you saying you love me too... don't you get my point?! you're saying you're not in love with me anymore, but do you know what being in love is? and do you know how much i put into us when you don't give anything back?! and i'm still here! because i love you, taehyung, i'm in love with you and i don't want you to leave." jeongguk now started to sob which embarrassed him but he didn't care in this moment. "i need you, and you need me!"

taehyung now stood up as well. he felt so unbelievably bad for what he caused, he was really sorry. but he just didn't know what his feelings were and he didn't want to drag jeongguk more into his life. he's already been too involved with all of taehyung's shit.

taehyung walked towards the sobbing boy who stood there in his room so vulnerable, he could not stop himself from taking one of his hands and placing his other on jeongguk's cheeks. he softly wiped the tears away but more and more streamed down the boy's face.

"jeongguk... i don't know if i'm in love with you or the idea of loving you or being loved...", he repeated himself. "i don't know if i just want and need some love or if i am actually in love. and you don't deserve to be hurt in such a cruel way, i don't wanna pretend something for you."

jeongguk looked into taehyung's eyes again. how could he act so rational and comparatively cold in this situation while jeongguk was crying his eyes out?

he moved back from his now ex boyfriend. "please leave me alone, taehyung...", he ordered in a low voice.

taehyung sighed. "jeongguk... please, you gotta understand, i didn't mean to-" "please just go", jeongguk interrupted, "please..." he closed his eyes.

after he heard the door closing he opened his eyes again, threw himself on the bed and started crying again.
he felt like he lost his happiness and only reason to live.

taehyung walked through the streets, his hands buried in his pockets. he didn't wanna go home already, so he just walked around aimlessly.

suddenly his feet stopped going forward and he just stood there on an empty sidewalk. tears started running down his cheeks, silently dripping on the asphalt.

it was better this way, he thought. jeongguk would be better off without him.

'you wanna know why i'm leaving you alone? because i care about your feelings more than mine...'

this night two boys didn't go to sleep. this night two boys got their heart broken, but only one of them was the reason. and he knew and he hated himself for it.
but it was better this way.
jeongguk would be better off without him.

A/N: okay lmao i really don't know where this is coming from (i actually have to study atm lmao), i hope it was at least entertaining and not too shitty. idk if there'll be more parts but i guess it will stay a oneshot.
feel free to tell me your opinion about this :)
also i didn't have time or motivation to reread this and check it for mistakes so lemme know if you find anything, I'm sure it's full of crap!
thanks if you read this shitty oneshot :)