I've Got It Bad (And You'll Never Know) (BXB)

iv.

Julian ended up retreating to the bathroom an hour into the party. Once Joey Thatchlin entered the building, Max was gone, "best friend" status be damned. He didn't want to drink, figuring Max would do enough for both of them, and the heavy smell of bacon emanating from the snack table gave him a feeling the food provided wasn't exactly kosher. Being in a sorority house, there were plenty of bedrooms to hook up in, meaning the bathroom was a relatively safe zone.

Jules stared at himself in the mirror. Curly black hair. Dull black eyes. Navy blue hoodie with bold white lettering-- "CLASS OF '09."

"It's not cool to wear college shit when you aren't in college anymore." His brother had explained as he shoved the hoodie at Jules. "Besides, it'll be ironic, or whatever the hell. Wearin' a hoodie that says you graduated 8 years ago. And believe me, this fucker is warm."

It was. The warmest sweatshirt Jules owned, actually. He shoved his face in for a second, trying to catch any last whiff of his brother, any little trace of home, but he found none.

Junior year was rough. Julian was more homesick than he'd been as a freshman, because this time, he was honing in on the last few times he could go to his parent's house as their dependent, the last few times it was at least sort of his house-- soon, he'd be a "visitor" there instead of a resident.

Logic told him college was just a little more than halfway over. But winter break of Junior year was coming fast, and he had to stop and wonder-- what had he spent all that tuition money on?

Hours of studying. Only making two real friends. Not partying-- this was, pathetically enough, only the fifth party he'd been to in his entire college career. But why should he show up, when alcohol made him sick and all the snacks had bacon in them?

Somebody knocked on the door. "Occupied." Jules announced.

"Jules! I knew I'd find you in one of these-- open the fuckin' door, would ya?"

Jules complied to see a familiar dimpled friend. "'Sup, Max? Got tired of chasin' a straight guy?"

"Me? Never!"

Max teetered a bit, like he might fall, and Jules reached out to grab his arms and steady him. "Shit! You're seriously wasted, man!"

"Well, it's a party."

"You have an 8 AM."

Max barked out a laugh. "Jules, come on-- attending that class is always a longshot, hangover or not."

Jules was about to hit Max with a scathing comeback ("Then why'd you sign up for it, bitchtits?") when the shorter boy pushed past him, barely making it to the sink before upchucking.

"Jesus Christ." Jules managed, feeling ill himself from the sight.

Max spit a bit more, probably to get the taste out of his mouth. "You throw that name around a lot for a Jewish guy."

"Max, you should sit down."

Jules attempted to gently guide Max to the floor. "No, I feel fuckin' awesome! Joey Thatchlin just gave me his number, if you must know."

Jules stopped. "He what?"

Max grinned, dimple on full display. "Yup. Ten digits. Now in my phone. Under his contact name."

"No way."

"Read it and weep."

Julian snatched Max's phone, opening iMessage and looking at the top. Outgoing message to Joey Thatchlin: "Hi, this is Max from Greta's party! :)"

Gears turned slowly. What the hell was going on? Joey definitely wasn't gay. Was he playing a really shitty prank on Max? Messing with the gay kid? Classic. Maybe Max had offered Joey something he wanted-- homework help? But Max wasn't in calculus. Well, there could be another class-- Julian suspected that every class was a problem class when you treated them like "talking about sex with my friends in disturbing detail" time.

Max had an awful filter while under the influence-- had he told Joey about his major crush on him? Going to see all his hockey games? Coming to this party just for a chance to talk to him? Because a guy like Joey Thatchlin could find all kinds of ways to abuse that knowledge.

"Max, I don't know what you think is going on here, but there's no way this is a good thing."

"I got the guy's number! It's definitely not a bad thing!"

"I keep tryin' to tell you that he sucks, but you won't listen-- so maybe I should spell it out a little more clearly. There's not a chance in hell this guy is gay. Or bi. Or even curious. At best, he's trying to use you for homework help, and at worst, he's planning some elaborate way to humiliate you through your attraction to him. You should block his number and forget all about it."

The dimple vanished as Max's mouth curled into a frown. "How could you say that? Can't you see how fuckin' giddy I am?"

"I just don't want you to get your hopes up for somethin' that's not goin' anywhere. I don't want to let this guy step on you."

"Why do you gotta assume the worst in everybody?"

"It's not an assumption, Max, I know the guy--"

"From sittin' in front of him in a stupid math class for a few months?! Can't you just be happy for me for once?! Just 'cause you're some kind of fuckin' loveless monster doesn't mean you gotta drag the rest of us down with you!"

Jules froze. "You don't mean that. You're just wasted."

"No, I'm not. I'm perfectly fuckin' coherent."

"You're blackout drunk. That's the only reason you'd say shit like that to me."

Max's eyes were wet. "Julian, I don't think you've ever told me about a crush you've had. Maybe I make you come to all those hockey games with me so you'll get an idea of what feelings look like-- 'cause from where I'm standin', you've got none! You let Greta say that terrible shit to you earlier like it didn't even matter! You always make jokes about shit that should hurt! And now you're tryin' to crush my happiness because you've got none for yourself. Well, psychopath, I'm not lettin' you fuck this up for me. I got the guy's number."

Julian felt uncomfortable in his own skin. "That's not-- I would never try to-- I'm not-- The reason I never--"

Max sniffled. "I got his number. I'm on top of the fuckin' world."

Julian's hand involuntarily curled into a fist. "Do you seriously believe all that shit? That I'm some kind of robot with no feelings?"

"I got a guy's number. A hot guy. A 'straight' guy."

"You think I'm so obsessed with getting you away from Joey because I'm so pathetic and sad that I want to ruin other people's lives?"

"Couldn't have said it better myself." Max looked dizzy. And still a little pissed off. And, Jules couldn't help but notice, beautiful. Always beautiful.

"That's not the reason."

"Yeah, yeah, it's because he's an asshole, sure, I know."

"No. That's not it either." Julian's heartbeat sped up.

Max took a second, then looked up at Jules, obviously deeply confused. "It isn't?"

Jules shocked himself with his own courage. "No. There's a different reason I don't want you to be with Joey Thatchlin."

Max slid down the wall into a sitting position on the bathroom mat, eyes wide. "Huh."

Jules sat beside him. "Yeah."

"So... what's the real reason?"

"So I..." Jules turned towards Max. "Can do..." He gently grabbed Max's chin, turning it towards him. "This." And he leaned in, softly pressing his lips to Max's.

~~~

author's note: Long update!!!!! + kiss :) how do we feel?