Like He Never Left

chapter 9

Josie's POV

I watch Colt's car roll down the street, and I feel my heart shatter all over again. For some reason, this feels even worse than the first time he left because I know that he's never coming back home now. He's in someone else's arms for sure, and there's nothing I can do about it. 

The entire time that he was here, in our - in my house today, my head was at war with my heart. My head wanted me to push him away and get him to leave when I thought that that was what was for the best. My heart wanted to hold onto him and try to get him to stay. I can't deny myself that I had hoped that he would stay, that I would be able to hold him how I wanted to and used to again.

When I first saw him standing on my porch a week ago, I had no idea of what his intentions were. I truly thought he was home to stay, even though I had thought it was strange that he hadn't brought his bags up to the porch. I was just happy that he was home, that I was able to see him again. It wasn't until he came in the house that I saw the big orange envelope, and I just knew what was going to happen. I'd seen the movies; I'd seen what Carrie Ann had threatened Bobby with, and I knew that my marriage would soon come to an end, officially. 

I had myself convinced that I would be okay, that I could handle this, especially because he wasn't my Colt, the boy I'd known since preschool with a hot temper and a passion for life. He was Cole, the man from Boston who I'd never met, wish I had never had to. I had picked myself off the ground and dusted off my scrubs. I had told myself that I would get over this. 

But then I saw how just by being here, being back in Oak Bend, Georgia, he became the man I knew again. The love I feel - felt - for this man came back like a tsunami wave, drowning me in unrequited love, and that killed me because I knew he wasn't mine anymore. My head knew he wasn't mine, yet I still let my heart yearn for him. I still danced with him, played around with him, with his Brooke.

I could chase him down, make sure that this is really what he wants. I could show him that I want him back, that I need him. If I left now, I could cut across Apple Street and beat him to the highway. I'd profess my love for him and we would live happily ever after. We'd have a couple kids and grow old together, if I left right now. I could. I could take away Brooke's happiness like she took mine and. . .

I could never do that to her, to anyone. What the hell am I even thinking?

God, I hope she knows what she has. I hope she loves him like I do, like I wish I could have shown him had I been given more time, given the chance, had I known he would never be mine again. 

My body sways and the horizon becomes fuzzy as he bile from my stomach lurches into my throat, and I have to work hard to keep it down while rushing inside to the bathroom. My stomach empties itself, and somehow, I feel better. I rinse my mouth and brush my teeth, ridding myself of this awful taste. 

I look at in the bathroom mirror, the bloodshot eyes and splotchy face. I look down to Jake, who's never left my side today, or ever.

"Who is she?" I ask him, and I don't know if I'm talking about Brooke or myself. 

I slide myself down to the floor and rest the back of head against the sink. 

What the hell am I supposed to do now? The entire reason that I kept going was because of my hope for Colt's return. Now that he's come and gone, where am I supposed to find the purpose in my life?