Nightfire | The Whispering Wall #1

Fifty Seven: Mistakes

The gold coin Arlen had given him was a hard presence under Jordan's pillow, cold against his fingers. His other hand was buried in Ren's fur. The shadowrunner hadn't left his side since he'd returned from the dead quarter three nights ago.

Jordan also hadn't left his bed.

He stared at the wall and time passed by him, sometimes quickly and sometimes so agonisingly slow that Jordan considered getting up and facing his shitty life again. It was a strange numbness that afflicted him, too deep to make him care about what happened around him, but too shallow to keep the nightmares away. In the nightmares, Yddris hadn't intervened. In the dream-hell his brain took him to, he watched the demons devour both him and Darin, or saw the fire clear only to find a human corpse at his feet. Arlen and Usk always watched from the shadows. Sometimes they laughed at him.

He flinched as someone knocked on his bedroom door. Pretending to be asleep didn't work on Unspoken, so he resorted to unresponsiveness.

"Jordan?" It was Nika, thankfully alone. Jordan hadn't seen Yddris since they got back, and he was more comfortable that way. The Unspoken paused in the doorway, stared at the untouched food tray next to the bed, and then sighed. "This can't go on."

Jordan raised his gaze, not far enough to meet Nika's by accident. "What?"

"Yddris is being just as dark-damned vague," the man said, an edge to his voice. "He's outright lying to me and you won't say anything at all. If I'm not going to be allowed to help, I'm not going to put up with you both just moping. Get up and come eat something. Now."

"I'm not hungry." Nausea had been Jordan's constant companion. He'd tried eating the night before, but ended up puking out the window.

"I don't care. I want to see you eat."

Ren chirruped as Jordan grunted and flipped back the blanket. Nika watched him get out of bed, quietly fuming. Jordan could tell how angry he was without asking, and decided it was wiser to play along.

The air outside his bedcovers was like a cold slap, and he shuddered surreptitiously as he reached for the tunic hanging on his desk chair. He vaguely registered that there were fresh marks on his shoulders, but didn't linger on the revelation. He ran a hand through his hair and then down his face. He needed a wash – badly.

"Can I have a bath first?"

"No."

Jordan scowled. He was so tired; despite being in bed for three days, he felt like he hadn't slept in months. A wash might have chased the fog from his brain. "Dick."

He had overstepped; Nika's tight, controlled anger spiralled into outright fury. Jordan winced as the air filled with angry crackling. "You are out of line, Jordan."

"Woah, woah. Let's calm it down a little." Koen entered the room with arms spread. Jordan had never been so glad to see anyone in his life.

Nika tangibly brought himself under control; the crackling lowered to a buzz. Jordan thought he heard the man's jaw snap shut. They all looked round as Hap arrived on the scene, walking stick tapping louder than usual.

"Don't take it out on the boy, Nika," the old man said, and he sounded exhausted. "It's between you and Yddris."

"I know!" Nika snapped, and then quieter, "I know. Night take me, I know. I'm sorry, Jordan."

Jordan knew he had missed something, and as he nodded he still half-expected the Unspoken to fire up again.

"I am," Nika insisted, and rubbed his face with both hands. His voice came out muffled. "You just reminded me so much of him just then."