Only to Feel This Fully [Completed]

Ch. 14: We Can Make It So Divine

Shirts had come off, belts were unbuckled, flies were down, and hands had moved over that final layer between flesh and flesh. Eagerness was present in both of us, but there was simultaneously an unspoken understanding to take things slow, make every moment last and lend all little milestones their own significance. Guilt would creep in every time I saw or accidentally pressed against one of the bruises that Theo had incurred mere hours earlier. I tried to be as gentle as possible, not wanting to cause any further pain, but Theo insisted on leaning into the pain.

When we finally tired ourselves, our bodies parted and laid back down on our respective car seats. I could see the rise and fall of Theo's chest in the artificial luminescence of the parking lot's lights, which made a poor substitute for moonlight. I cursed the light for revealing those bruises along the right side of his body, which I'd rather go unacknowledged, but nonetheless grateful for the glint it caused when refracted off Theo's eyes. I knew we had a lot to talk about and Theo knew that too, but we were both hesitant to ask those questions which burned deep in our minds.

"When did you first know that you liked me?" I asked, tepidly, deciding that to go first allowed some control over the situation.

"When you quit the travel team. There was just, like, this hole in my life where you were supposed to fit."

"I'm so sorry," I replied, almost immediately and without forethought.

"Don't be. I'd hate myself if I had held you back from something you loved. When did you first like me?"

"When you walked into the locker room on that first day in sixth grade."

Theo laughed at that, "C'mon, be serious, Charlie." It hurt me that he thought the honest truth was an impossibility. My face must've given me away because he curtly stopped laughing, proffering "was it really that immediate?"

"From the moment you walked in. Remember there were only a few people in the locker room? Sam and Kyle were on either side of me and I was so jealous you couldn't sit next to me. I had to stop myself from picking up my bag and sitting down next to you..."

"Yeah, that would've been a bit strange," Theo rediscovered his humor, redeploying that teasing tone that could so excite me.

"Shut up, you'd have loved that. But, I just became my most obnoxious, extroverted self, so that you'd notice me. That I'd be the name you remembered when you went home. I didn't recognize it at the time; the only thing I knew was that I wanted to be near you, wanted you to like me."

Theo was silent. His expression looked stunned, then embarrassed as if it was unfathomable than anyone's feelings towards him could run that deep so quickly. We had rapidly entered a level of vulnerability that neither of us felt quite ready for. Mortification set in as I realized how far I'd pulled us from the playful ebullience of our bodies pushing themselves into each other. He must've been thinking the same thing. He slightly altered subjects, "when did you know you were...not straight?"

The real answer was 'you,' but I didn't want him to think I was so totally consumed by him. He'd probably get overwhelmed if he knew how significant he'd already been in my life, so I made an expression of ponderance for a moment, then answered, "Dustin Wright, summer camp a few months before we met. He was a few years older and tall, dirty blond, and confident. You?"

"Honestly, it was you. I think I was a late bloomer because up until like eighth grade, I'd just never had those feelings, for anyone, boy or girl. Then, it just hit me and I was like, oh."

"Are you bi?"

"Nope," he replied, popping his 'p,' like it was the most casual thing in the world, "it's only ever been guys."

"Yeah, same here."

"Oh, cool," he responded, in a tone that made me think the answer surprised him.

"Was that not the answer you were expecting?"

"It's just you're so...straight-acting and masc and..."

"I never thought you'd be the one to stereotype people that much." Part of me was disappointed that he, like all the rest, couldn't see past the facade. I acted the way I did as a defense, an elaborate ruse to prevent people from finding out the real me, which up until now only a handful actually knew. It made my chest swell because I could now count Theo among that handful, even if I'd fantasized that he would be able to get there on his own.

Theo had been stammering, so I decided to let him off easy as he had done for me and changed the subject, "your first kiss? Was that me too, just now?"

"You wish, Holloway. No, Thierry Laurent. His family lived down the road from my grandparents. I'd see him every time we went back to visit them since I was little." I was instantly filled with a fit of burning jealousy for a boy I'd never met half a world away.

"When did this happen?" Was I just the rebound or worse was I just a holdover until he could be reunited with Thierry?

"I was fourteen, the summer after you quit. God, everything comes back to you, doesn't it? We never exchanged numbers or socials or anything, which is weird in retrospect, but my grandparents live in a provincial town near Chartres. The kind of place where everyone knew everyone, so it never struck me as odd at the moment. But, I came back for Christmas and the Laurents had moved to Paris for work, I think Meme said."

The last part overwhelmed me with relief, but I soon felt guilty for finding joy in Theo's suffering. Within a year, two boys he'd cared for deeply had left his life without any forewarning and no explanation. It would be miraculous if he doesn't have any abandonment issues. I glanced at the clock on the car's dashboard. 1:50 am. Shit.

"Your mom wanted me to make sure you were home by two," I said, phrasing it so he would both get the message and not know what a rule-follower I was. It gave me great anxiety to run afoul of someone like Mrs. Broussard. It's funny, drinking underage I had no problem with, smoking weed totally fine, but breaking Mrs. Broussard's curfew was a red line I would not want to cross.

"Fucking hell, she really told you to have me home by two? Christ, she's so annoying sometimes."

"It's wild she knew how this would turn out. She must be clairvoyant or some shit."

"Or she knew I liked you and that you liked me and that we couldn't be idiots forever."

"I mean, true, but let's get you home, okay? I'll walk back. Wouldn't want you to miss that curfew."

"Spend the night?" I recognized the yearning in his voice. It could rival my own.

"Really? Hm, I'll have to think about that," I gestured as if I needed to give the matter a great deal of consideration, wanting to draw this out as long as possible.

"No, you really don't have to think. At least tonight we'll be able to go to sleep cuddled up and I won't have to accidentally do it after you fall asleep."

Theo put his seatbelt on over his bare chest and put his key in the ignition, starting the car back up. I was still processing that last part of what he said, unable to think of anything else. Theo hadn't put his shirt back on, so I didn't either, not wanting to disturb the equilibrium. The drive to his house was short anyway.

He parked in the driveway and got out of the car, reaching back in for his hoodie. We made ourselves decent before entering his house through a side door. This entrance certainly wouldn't help dissuade Mrs. Broussard from her intimations that we were already sexually active. I prayed neither parent would be waiting up for us and luckily none appeared. The clock on the stovetop had read 1:59 so we had actually made it back in time.

Theo took my hand and led me up the staircase to his room, dragging me by the hand. There was a thrill in the manner and direction in which he was pulling me. We stripped to our underwear once more and climbed into his bed. I laid on my back, arms outstretched inviting Theo into my embrace. Our bodies fit into each other with ease and he rested his head on my chest, allowing it to rise and fall ever so slightly with my breathing. A contented sound escaped his mouth and we were both fast asleep within minutes, exhausted from the turmoil and tumult of the past few hours, or more accurately, the past few days, really.