Catch Me

Chapter 25

     Weeks flew by and we were still on the run. Kyle and I were laying in the same bed and I glanced at Kyle who was reading a book. His blonde hair fell over his forehead and his eyes were glued to the book. And usually I would have been admiring him and thinking about how beautiful he was, but for once all I could think about was how drained Kyle looked. His eyes were sunken, his face paling, and his energy lacking. This wasn't the Kyle I met months ago and I knew I wasn't the Clarissa Kyle met either.

     I was also drained. Everyday we switched hotels, everyday we were on edge, worrying about whether or not the SSI would catch us. It was exhausting being on the run and day by day, I found myself losing it.

     Although I was happy that Kyle and I were back together and a couple again, I wasn't sure if this was the life I wanted. I thought Kyle was enough. I thought living with him and spending every second with him would be enough for me, but after weeks and weeks of running, I was realizing that I couldn't do this forever. I was already drained and I couldn't imagine doing this for years.

     So realizing I couldn't do this any longer, I looked to Kyle and hesitated, before calling his name.

     "Kyle."

     Kyle looked to me, his eyes gentle, but when his eyes met mine he froze. From the expression I wore, it was obvious something was wrong.

     "What's wrong?" Kyle asked. "Are you okay?"

     "I'm not okay," I said. I found my heart pouring with the thoughts that were consuming me for weeks now. "You know, I can't sleep or breathe or do anything without feeling paranoid about the SSI. All I ever do is think about them and I feel like I'm going insane."

     "I feel the same way." Kyle's eyes grew sad as he stared at me. "But there's nothing we can do about it. I'm sorry I pulled you into my life. You don't deserve this, but there's nothing we can do."

     I bit my lip and debated on saying what I would say next. It had been on my mind for a while now, but I knew Kyle would hate it. I knew I would be risking everything by saying it, but I knew that something had to change. We couldn't keep doing this. Not unless we wanted to lose our minds.

     "Maybe you should turn yourself in," I said, gently. Kyle's eyes widened and I gulped. "I see no other solution to this madness."

     "How could you say that?" Kyle said, freezing. He looked as if I had slapped him and my heart sunk. I hadn't meant to hurt him, but after deep thought and consideration, I knew the only way we could move on is if Kyle turned himself in. "If I turned myself in, my life would be ruined. I won't be able to see my family ever again."

     "But your life is already ruined. You can't see your family already. Trust me, I know my idea sounds horrible, but there's no other solution," I said. "I know the SSI and if you give yourself in, you'll get a light sentence. You might only spend like a year max in jail and after that you'll be able to live a normal life and the both of us can work together to support your family. For a while it will really suck, but things will get better. Things will become better than this."

     Kyle stared at me and I gulped when I noticed the hardening look in his eyes. He wasn't speaking, but I could tell he was furious. I could tell he disagreed with what I said, but I couldn't back down. After spending so much time thinking about this plan, I couldn't let go.

     "Your family must miss you," I said quietly. "They may have your savings right now, but they won't last forever. Your family needs you back eventually, but you can't go back with the SSI chasing you. And let's be honest for a moment. The SSI will never stop chasing you until they catch you. I really think the only solution is you turning yourself in."

     Kyle look conflicted for a mere moment. He stared at me, his face a mix of concern, worry and anger. I knew my words were harsh and hard to take in, but they were the truth. I was only trying to help everyone who was caught up in this mess.

     "Is this your inner spy talking?" Kyle asked, sitting up. He stared at me with a pained look and I sat up as well, feeling my heart break. "Did you finally realize that I'm a criminal and your moral compass is telling you that I need to be arrested? Should I be worried."

     "No!" I exclaimed. "I'm just being rational. Me being a spy doesn't play any role in this. I'm trying to do what's best for us."

     "But I'm the one who's going to suffer! I'm the one who's going to end up in jail." He threw his arms up, frustrated and I winced. "Nothing will happen to you. You're not the one who's going to do jail time, so it's easy for you to tell me to turn myself in. But I'm going to be completely honest with you. I don't want to go to jail. I don't want to be a convicted criminal."

     My heart thumped painfully against my chest. I understood Kyle's perspective completely. No one wanted to spend a second in jail and it made sense. Being in his position was hard. But at the same time, I knew that deep down it was the only solution we had.

     "But is this life really better?" I asked quietly. "We- You're already suffering. You're already trapped because you play by the SSI rules. I know being in jail is horrible and if there was any other solution, I would have told you it. But realistically, this is the only solution there is."

     "You're the worst, Clarissa," Kyle whispered. "How could you want your boyfriend to be in jail."

     "Because your life will be so much better once you get out! I'm not doing this just for me, I'm also doing this for you. You may have to suffer for a while, but once you're out of jail you will be happy. I know it!"

     Kyle got up then, trembling. He looked furious and I stared at him, horrified. His eyes widened at my reaction and I grew more guilty. I was scared of Kyle lashing out and leaving me again, but I shouldn't have been.

     "I'm going to sleep on the couch today," Kyle said. "I don't want to talk about this ever again."

     Before I could say anything, Kyle whirled around and stalked off into the living room. I deflated, realizing how horrible that went. Although it'd been on my mind for a while now, I didn't approach it correctly and I wondered if I messed everything up. Not just with my relationship with Kyle, but with the only hope I had that this would finally end.