As Long as You Love Me (Previously Kiss and Tell)

Chapter 9 ♔ Back In

Today was going to change my life, I just didn't know it yet.

I took time off work in the morning to run around campus, collecting all the documentation I needed to renew my OPT visa. It was still well before the deadline but other international students recommended that I get it done ASAP. This spoke directly to the part of me that wanted to be ahead of the curve, which was why I went for it. My academic counsellor engaged in the process and after a few days of getting the final signatures and approval stamps, I was ready to file the application today.

When I made it to the office, I was a drenched in sweat. The blast of air conditioning was welcome, even if I faced an afternoon of putting up with my nemesis. To my fortune he was away from his desk when I barged. After firing up my work laptop, I set myself as Do Not Disturb in the instant messaging system of the company and set out to work.

Emails pinged in my inbox a couple of times but I ignored them as I filled in the application, making sure to double, triple and quadruple check every digit I typed. My heart hammered in my throat as I worked on my file. Every time I had to do something like this it felt like there wasn't enough oxygen in the room to keep my brain functioning normally. Instead of being calm and logical, I panicked, thinking about getting a rejection if I made the littlest typo. I was so engrossed in this that I didn't even notice when Gabe returned to his desk beside me.

Despite the air conditioning, I continued to sweat. At some point I started to pray that this went well, that it could lead to buying me all the time I needed to impress Jeff and his bosses into hiring me full time, and not Gabe—and also sponsor me for a H1B. That was my dream, to have a work permit that allowed me to stay in this country for a good while. So I could establish roots and grow and thrive without fearing for my safety.

It wouldn't do anything to erase the fear I carried within me over my family's safety, though. But maybe if I worked hard enough, if I rose within the company to better paying positions, maybe I could help support my family. And ultimately, maybe I could bring them here. At least mami. I highly doubted that papi or Cora would ever consider it.

The cursor blinked as it hovered over the finish and submit button. I went back one more time, perhaps the twentieth, to make sure everything was perfect. I wished I had someone next to me who could offer a fresh pair of eyes but there was no one here I trusted with my life like this. Eventually I hit the button. All the adrenaline coursing through my body rushed down and out. It was as though my entire frame dropped to try to catch the falling level, starting by drooping shoulders and jelly arms. I allowed myself to just lower my hot cheek to the surface of my desk, close my eyes and breathe until my heart rate slowed down to normal.

It was done. Gracias a Dios.

When I opened my eyes again it was to meet Gabe's directly. His eyebrows were scrunched up and raised, as though he'd been analyzing a complex equation that he couldn't solve. I opened my mouth, ready to fire some Spanish choice words at him, but he just turned back to his screen and ignored me.

Con que es así.

Okay, two could play that game. I straightened up and checked my inbox. There were sixteen emails that had come in the course of the time I took filing the application and all of them were between Gabe and Jeff. I went to the first one in the thread where he requested a quick calculation from Gabe and I. The familiar hot flash of instant stress returned. Quickly, I skimmed through the entire thread and found that the request was due for a conference call Jeff was already in with his boss, Marty, and Marty's corporate bosses. And of course I hadn't even noticed because I was only too busy securing my future.

I gritted my teeth as I opened the attachment Gabe sent in his response, probably after working on it silently beside me. Of course I knew that after rescinding our deal he would go on full frontal attack. I had no right to feel like he'd betrayed me by not telling me that we had that request. And yet I still felt like he'd gone behind my back to send the calculation quickly and get all the praise.