Half Sick of Shadows » Band of Brothers [2]

48: To Gaze at the Sky

"If you love a flower which happens to be on a star, it is sweet at night to gaze at the sky. All the stars are a riot of flowers." - Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, Le Petit Prince

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"What are you gonna do about home?" The question on everyone's lips these days. I'd be lying if I said it wasn't on mine as well; it runs through my head almost constantly and I find myself forgetting who I've asked it to and when. That's much the same for all of us though - I think Will's asked me it about four times already today.

This time, it's Gene who's asking, and he turns to look at me with furrowed eyebrows, gnawing on his bottom lip.

Regardless of how much I think about it or ask it, it's a question I still find incredibly difficult to answer. In truth, I don't know what I'm going to do about home, just like I don't know what I want to do about home. Now that everything's over I find myself in a position I was never really supposed to be in: a survivor of the war.

"I'm not sure," I answer truthfully, turning to look back at Gene. I send him a shrug and a sad sort of smile. "I don't know what I'd say to my parents. I don't know how I'd react to seeing them, either. It's..." I sigh and look back out across the lake again. "It's all very overwhelming."

The lake has become somewhat of a safe place for me - there's consistency in the peace I find here where there isn't elsewhere. And it's always beautiful, too. Beams of sunshine waltz across the water, glittering like stars as it ripples; I'll forever be entranced by that. And the mountains which rise up on the opposite side of the water are breathtaking, strong and resolute, tall and snow-capped. I'll be sad to leave Austria, if I'm honest. Terribly sad.

Gene nods but doesn't say anything and I think hard about what I'm going to say next. Eventually, after working up the nerve, I turn to him. "Can I tell you a secret? Something I've not told any of the boys - not even Tom?"

He nods and smiles, that small smile he does every time I say or do something that shows him I trust him completely, and that gives me the push I need. I suck in a breath and nod to myself in encouragement. The words come out in the midst of an exhale. "I'm afraid to go home."

Gene's eyebrows draw together and I watch him thinking for a moment before he replies. "What do you mean?"

I sigh and clasp my hands together in my lap, trying to tie what I want to say into some semblance of coherence. "I'm not really sure how to explain it. It's just..." I pause to properly gather my thoughts before continuing, "I haven't seen my parents since I was sixteen. I'm twenty-three now, so they don't even know what I'm like as an adult. So, for one, I'm not sure at all how I'd act around them." He nods, so I go on, "Then there's also the fact that they think I'm dead - and have done for six years now. They've probably already mourned me and healed from that loss and I don't want to upset them or anything. And then there's also just..." Another exhausted sigh. "Just the fact that after everything that's happened I'm just scared that it'll - I don't know, be too much for me, I suppose. I don't want to break down again. I feel like I've been making so much progress in trying to move on that going back to London, to my life from so long ago, might just tear me apart. I'm just scared."

He's watching me carefully now, and closely. "You don't wanna go home?"

I shrug and look away. "Is that awful? I just feel like I need to keep on moving. My life for the past seven years has been about dealing with the present and forgetting that I ever even had a civilian life, and now I'm supposed to just forget everything and pretend none of it ever happened? I just -" I can feel tears starting to form in my eyes now, and shake my head to bid them to go away. "I don't know. I don't know. I don't know if I can and I don't know if I want to." I risk a glance at him and chew on my bottom lip. "Is that horrible? It's horrible, isn't it? I should just go home."