Without You [KongpobArthit 18+]

-00- 🖤 Without You

[A/N - Play the song 🖤]

"But I think I'm lost without you. I just feel crushed without you. I've been strong for so long that I never thought how much I needed you. I think I'm lost without you."
~Freya Ridings, 'Without You'

~~~

*Third Person POV*

| 2 Years Ago |

"You're being unreasonable," Arthit argued, crossing his arms over his chest. His boyfriend gaped at him, stunned into a disbelieving silence. "This isn't that big of a deal."

"Not a big deal?" Kongpob choked out, finally finding his voice. "Arthit, these are our families we're talking about. We've been together for years, but kept our relationship a secret from them this entire time. I don't want to do it anymore."

"But I'm not ready to tell them," Arthit told him firmly. "I know you said your family is really understanding, but I don't know if I can say the same about mine. If they disowned me—"

"If they disowned you, you would still have me," Kongpob cut him off.

Arthit shook his head. "That's not enough."

The words slipped out before he had the chance to think about how bad they sounded. The look of hurt flashing in Kongpob's eyes was loud enough to tell Arthit how much the latter had messed up.

"I didn't mean it like that," Arthit murmured quietly. "I just meant that I need to have my family in my life. I can't lose them."

"But you can lose me?" Kongpob asked, making Arthit blink in surprise.

"What?"

"I've been asking for years to meet your family. I love you, and you've said you love me. Why do we have to keep hiding our relationship? Isn't it better to have our families know, so they can support us? How are we ever going to move forward if our entire relationship is a secret?"

Arthit fell silent, pondering his lover's words. Would they be able to move forward? What would their next steps even be? They were already living together, although their families thought they were just roommates; a pair of friends who had a platonic senior-junior relationship. What more would Kongpob want?

"Can't we keep doing what we've always been doing?" Arthit asked, feeling frustrated that his boyfriend felt the need to change something that had always been working.

Unbeknownst to Arthit, their current arrangement hadn't been working for Kongpob. He had been desperately wanting to move forward for years, but was always held back by Arthit's insecurities.

"You don't even want to try?" Kongpob questioned quietly, feeling his spirit deflate and his heart ache.

"No," Arthit answered firmly, sending a sharp dagger directly through Kongpob's heart.

Tears stung in Kongpob's eyes as he clenched his fists tightly. "I can't do this anymore."

"I know," Arthit sighed, thinking Kongpob was referring to what he had said earlier. "But I'm not not ready. Maybe in a few more years—"

"No," Kongpob cut him off, stomach twisting when Arthit said 'a few more years'. He couldn't keep doing this for years. It hurt too damn much. "I can't do this anymore. Us."

The color drained from Arthit's face. "K-Kong..."

"I'm always the one chasing you, Arthit," Kongpob continued through clenched teeth. "From even before we started dating, I was the one chasing after you. You pushed me away twice in college, and tried to push me away before I left to study abroad. I'm tired of being pushed away, Arthit."

"I'm not pushing you away!" Arthit insisted, panic rising in his chest.

"You are," Kongpob stressed as tears began to fall. "Keeping me from half of your life is still pushing me away. I'm not your dirty secret, I'm your boyfriend."

Arthit winced at the harshness of Kongpob's words, but didn't have an argument to combat them. His statement was true; Arthit had been keeping Kongpob a secret from everyone except their friends and coworkers. While that much seemed like a lot to Arthit, it wasn't very much to Kongpob. Not after they had been together for so long and shared so much love.

"I love you," Kongpob whispered through the tears, breaking Arthit's heart. "I only wish you loved me enough to not be ashamed of me."

"I'm not ashamed of you!" Arthit cried, his own tears making their way down his cheeks. "And I do love you, Kong, you know that!"

"That's not enough," Kongpob threw Arthit's previous statement back in his face, making Arthit realize how truly hurtful those words were. "Love is more than a feeling. The act of loving someone requires giving your all to make the relationship work. I've been giving you my all for years, but you've always held back. I wish I could say I'm able to keep waiting for you to be ready, but... it's too painful. I need to start focusing on my own wellbeing, even if that means I have to walk away."

Kongpob turned to leave, but Arthit quickly caught his wrist in an act of desperation.

"Please," Arthit's voice wobbled as more tears poured from his eyes. "Don't do this. Don't leave. Just... give me more time."

Kongpob paused, biting his lip painfully as he actually considered taking it all back. Everything within him screamed to pick up his lover and capture his sugary lips; to pin him to the table and show Arthit just how much Kongpob loved him.

But he couldn't. Not when he was silently hurting every day, with no resolution in sight. They had been running in circles for years, and Kongpob was exhausted from the chase.

Even though it shattered his heart, Kongpob shook his head and detached Arthit from his arm. Arthit stared in horror at the love of his life, not believing this was really happening.

"Goodbye, Ai'Oon."

~~~

Hi, I'm crying

I'll give you guys good smut later to make up for it 🤧

Again, thank you guys for 1k! Your support means the world to me, and encourages me to write more

Until next time!
-Gumbie