folie

maybe some finality

written on 1/18/21

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i'm so tired to the point i'm done doing anything anymore

and i know that's a horrible thing to say

because believe me, this isn't what i wanted

but i knew the risks

i knew that what was being brought my way would not solve my unwanted problems

it always seemed like that would be the case

but i always knew, somewhere deep down,

what has been rotting inside of me would not bloom

and just disappear forever

out of sight, out of mind

i realize how pathetic this must sound

yet i can never stop apologizing

i want that chance to be better

my mind tells me the opposite

it finds beauty in the material and asks me to pierce my skin for some finality

i can't bring myself to plunge

but i'll still tread lightly

hoping that scratching the surface will stop me from wanting in

i'm so sorry

what i have offered seems to be slipping through

all my plans are starting to fade away

my heart keeps forgetting what it needs

what i need

some finality.

a breath of fresh air

instead of the harsh darkness

that has fallen asleep in my head

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i don't know i'm just so tired and my brain has fooled me once again. i hope it fades cause i'm tired of it ruining what i find. i just want to sleep. i just want peace.